I’ve been up since 2 AM because I drank a full bottle of wine last night while watching my friends new movie Dude Bro Party Massacre III which was insanely funny but it didn’t help my body not feel dehydrated which is why I woke up at 2 AM and wasn’t able to fall back to sleep but it turned out to be okay because I watched Beyond the Lights on Netflix and I loved it especially Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s magnificent performance and beautiful voice and then my alarm went off at 5 AM and I made my coffee and made breakfast and tried to take a nap afterwards but I didn’t feel too good so I couldn’t really nap before work which I went back to today and I was tired and cranky but happy to be back and going through my old routine again which is what I needed especially after the horribleness of the fire I got off of earlier this week and I’m listening to Miguel’s Wildheart album right now and holy shit it’s amazing.
I took a nap a few hours ago and it felt good but it just made me even more tired and all I want to do right now is slide underneath my blanket and fall asleep in my bed but I have to write this entry first and I also just started watching Catastrophe on Amazon Prime and it’s one of the most hilarious shows I’ve seen in a long time so I’m going to watch one or two more episodes of that before closing my eyes and calling Day 305 lived and done which turned out to be a day with few revelations other than the fact that I should never ever drink a full bottle of wine in one night regardless if I’m watching my very talented friend’s new movie.
One recurring thought that’s been dominating my mind lately is how much I don’t belong here. I need to be somewhere creative, with other artists, with people to talk to about my craft and their art and a place where I can simply create and be in an environment that cultivates that while I’m also out there trying to make a living. I really want to move to New York but I haven’t thought it through completely, and I’m afraid I don’t really want to go to New York but simply want to leave my current home for something different. My decision would be easier if I didn’t have such a good job. If I still worked at McDonald’s, this decision would be much easier. But I don’t, and I need to make a living to pay off bills and loans and debts. I don’t want to be one of those adults who said goodbye to their dreams simply because they wanted to live a certain way or could only live a certain way. I want to write and be published and get paid for creating. That’s what I want and that’s what I’m going to fight for.