America

I made it to day 300, and it’s America’s birthday. Coincidence? I think… umm… yeah, yeah it is.

This might sound contradictory because I haven’t verbalized it yet, but I’ve been battling with both trying to accept who I am while also trying my best to change certain mental patterns and wirings to help change my thinking and behavior. All this means is that I’ve been sitting on my couch and thinking. I haven’t written anything down, talked to a psychiatrist, or even implemented any of my thoughts in any way. I’ve just been thinking.

Some of the thoughts that have crossed my mind involve my introversion and my full-on embrace of it, my societal hatred of being “polite” and my full-on embrace of my bluntness and crassness, my fear of simply going all-in in everything I do, and battling any sort of societal anxiety and going out into the world to experience it and live it and embrace it. I love staying home, I love watching TV, and I love reading and working out at home, but I have to go out.

I hate small talk and feeling pressure to come up with some brilliant riposte to something someone has said. I hate bros. I hate pretentious and persnickety girls. I hate cowboys or guys who like to wear cowboy hats. I hate that people think I’m cool. It feels like I have something to live up to or something, but I hate it when I’m expecting their inevitable disapproval of me. I hate that I make stupid mistakes. I hate that the things I want cost money. Why can’t I want free things?

I like long, intimate, and intellectual conversations with one person at a time. I like really smart girls. The smarter the better. I like guys who are comfortable not saying anything or feeling beholden to words when silence is perfectly fine. I like people who are authentic and try not to pretend they’re someone else, like cowboys. God I fucking hate cowboys. Also, country music. Twaaaaaaang bullshit. I like my taste in music.

Yes.

I like my imagination. It’s pretty awesome. Also, my awesome vocabulary. I like the friends I can honestly still call my friends. And I like the live I’ve built and am excited for the life I know I can build. Self-actualization.

I’m not going anywhere tonight to watch the fireworks. I haven’t for a few years now, and my life doesn’t feel any less empty. It’s mostly special if you have somebody special to share it with, and I don’t right now. And July 4th isn’t July 4th if I’m not in Chula Vista with my family anyways. Those were the best times anyways.

I haven’t taken a break for 300 days. I have 65 to go. That’s two months. I don’t know what’s going to happen because these last few entries will be hard once I’m out on a fire. If I don’t make it to 365, I’ll be okay with that. I’ve built something memorable, and I’m okay with that. I like that.