Mario Villalobos

Don’t Know, Don’t Care

I hate to admit this, but a big part of my evening routine now includes more than a couple of beers. I crave it after work, in fact, but I don’t drink any until after I workout and shower. A big motivator for me to workout has been the promise of an ice cold beer. I don’t know if that’s sad or if it’s simply a necessary action during this stage of my life. I’m unsure of what to do next. I have no immediate plans to do anything other than go to work, do my three big rocks, and do whatever else in between those actions. The only thing I have to look forward to is fire season, and that will offer a nice respite to my current lifestyle, one that I’m eager for. But it’s temporary.

I haven’t been sleeping as much as I need to be, and a big reason for that is that I’m not going to bed at a reasonable hour. Sometimes I’m mindlessly browsing the internet with no rhyme or reason to it other than anxiousness. I don’t know what to do right now, and I hate not knowing what to do. I’m maybe two to three thousand words away from finishing my book, and then I could start on the rewrite, which may provide some structure to my days. I officially finish week one of Max: 30 tomorrow (if I do it), so I have another two months of workouts planned. Now, I could go back to my old routine since it did give my days a strict structure, with something to do most every hour of the day. But that burnt me out, which has led me here, to right now.

What does strength mean and do I have it? Am I strong enough right now to do what I need to do? What do I need to do? What do I want to do? How should I be spending my days? Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I asking myself too many questions? Are these questions too obvious to ask? Do some people just know the answers and never ask themselves these questions? These aren’t mind blowing questions, and they took zero effort from me to think about them, so does that mean I’m dumb or something? That I can’t answer them right now? I have been drinking, but not that much. I’m super clear headed right now. I was procrastinating earlier, but that shouldn’t matter, right? I don’t know. I’m just throwing shit out there to see what sticks. So far, nothing.

This is a stupid thought, but I hate it when people tell me what to do. I don’t like it. I like to do my own thing, but then here I am restricting myself harder than I would let anyone restrict me. No wonder I burned out, right? I said it’s a stupid thought because of the consequences I wanted to justify for myself. I want to let loose and be gluttonous for a little bit. Maybe that’s dumb and potentially dangerous and definitely recidivistic. But I don’t care tonight.