Mario Villalobos

What Now?

I made it to the end of my 200+ day Insanity workout by finishing the Championship video in my hybrid the Asylum Vol. 1/Vol. 2 workout. I feel good but not much different than I normally do. I still need to do more work on my body to get it where I want it to be, so on Monday I’m doing the Max: 30 workout again. I don’t think I’ll look or feel much different after I finish it, but it’ll keep me active while I figure out what to do next.

I’m revisiting old emotions right now. I don’t think I belong here, and I don’t know if I belong back in California. I don’t want to move anywhere yet, but I can feel that my days here in Montana are numbered. I have a great job and I’m super afraid of leaving it any time soon, but I know I can’t be there forever. I’m almost done with my novel, and that’s what I want to do with my life, and that might have something to do with my desire to leave.

I haven’t met anyone like me. I don’t want to sound arrogant or even myopic, but I think I’m incapable of making and keeping friends because I’m unsatisfied with all of them and they’re unsatisfied with me. I haven’t met many people I knew I’ve wanted to be friends with forever, and with those I have, many of them didn’t feel the same way and left me. Montana is too white, too traditional, and too complacent for my tastes. That might cause arguments with a few of my readers, but whatever. I turned off the comments not too long ago.

To celebrate the end of my workout today, I went to watch the new Avengers movie. Granted, I watched it before I worked out, but I knew I wasn’t going to skip it or anything, so I felt okay watching the movie. It was okay. It wasn’t as good as the first one, but it was worth the $6 I spent for the ticket. The last movie I saw at the theater was Interstellar, so it’s been a few months. I miss the movies, but I hate the theaters where I live. I could drive to Missoula, but driving fifty miles for a movie seems extravagant to me. Maybe I have no reason to bitch.

I have been thinking of going to Missoula to sign up for some sort of martial art. That and trying to be more social. I need to move away from here, but I don’t know where to go. I really hope I get into a graduate school next year because I want to leave. I might change my mind soon or have my convictions deepen. I’m writing about how I’m feeling now. That’s all I seem to be okay at.

I really feel tempted to drink again, but I like the idea of staying sober. I feel stronger that way, and I want to feel strong right now. I want to feel like I can do anything because I haven’t felt that way recently. At least today was a good day.