Mistakes

I think the greatest test for me has been owning up to my mistakes honestly and courageously. I’ve learned that mistakes are simply a part of life; life is too short to let mistakes affect me in a negative way. Of course I need to learn from my mistakes, and that’s why I’ve grown to really cherish (in a way) my mistakes. The more I can learn about myself and from myself and grow into a stronger and more honest person, the more happy I am with myself and the way I choose to live my life.

I’ve been off my game lately, I think. I’ve been here before. I’ve been productive for months and months at a time until one day I crash and I’m no longer productive. This has happened before, and I thought I’ve learned from them. It’s become this cycle that has repeated a few times, and I’m in that cycle now. I’ve been on an almost eight month streak of productivity and adventure and maturity and growth, and that’s awesome, but I’ve been having to fight for every inch of that for the past few weeks. I can feel myself slipping away from this life and into a more casual and lazy life. I don’t want that. It might do me good sometimes, but not all the times.

I can recognize some of the patterns to these past mistakes of mine, and for some reason, I can’t always course correct. It’s like I’m stuck in the tornado I saw forming and rushing my way. I just stood there and let it engulf me. Why do we do this? Why do we let this shit happen to us? I don’t know. All I know is that I have to be better about this. I have to learn when to course correct and be better. I have goals, and I want to accomplish them, and deviating from that path — even a little bit — should be and is unacceptable.

I have to be hard on myself because I still make these stupid mistakes. The only way I know how not to make them is by being hard on myself. I made a stupid mistake before I first started this blog, and I was hard on myself because I thought I deserved it and because I knew that was the only way for me to stay on that path I knew I had to be on. Some people might disagree with this, but I’ve lived most of my life alone. All I truly have is myself since the shit I struggle with the most I’ve had to handle on my own. So I’m very comfortable with myself and being in my own skin, and it’s tough for me to depend on anyone other than myself because of this. I surely have blame for this, but it is what it is, and I’m okay with that.

Internally I’m fine; externally: it’s other people that have the power to disrupt my flow, and that’s something I don’t like. Maybe that explains me in a nutshell. I don’t know.