Sometimes I approach these entries with the intention of writing something that would change my life. I would write something that should inspire me to do something amazing, something to lift me up from whatever is ailing me at the moment and toward somewhere better. Most of the time I fail, and that’s something I don’t internalize before starting these entries or while I’m in the middle of writing one. I truly believe that my words can change my life. In a sense, they have, but I’m still the same neurotic, narcissistic, and melancholy man I’ve always been. I try to be better because I always find something to hate about myself. My biggest enemy is me.
I’m baring my life out on a blog because I want people to see me for who I really am. I don’t want to hide behind silence, shyness, or dishonesty. I want to know that I fought for every day, that I earned all my good days and that I didn’t let the bad days bring me down. I want to know that I’ve been happy before and be reminded that I’ll be happy again. I want to see the progress I’ve made and be inspired to do even more. I want to know that my failures are just another form of growth. I want to know and I want to see that I tried to live a life of integrity, that I’ve been honest with myself and with others. That’s the only way I can truly grow and be better, and if I fail at that, I’ve failed at everything.
I hate hesitation and I hate compromise. Those are two qualities of myself that always seem to breed bad habits and bad days. Hesitation is lacking confidence and conviction to do what I know to be right or necessary. Compromise is relinquishing control over to the basest part of me. This one quality has been my biggest enemy my entire life, and when people may see me being too hard on myself, I see a road full of those bad habits and bad days I’ve travelled down too many times in the past. I try to prevent myself from even acknowledging this path, but every now and then I let my guard down, and I see that fork in the road, and I can hear those sirens singing to me to come over to them. It’s tough to resist their songs, but I have and I have to. The problem is that this is a continuous battle with no end in sight.
I want the best life for myself, and my biggest problem is trying to embark on this journey alone. I’ve accomplished so much on my own, but I’ve hit a plateau that I don’t think I’ll ever overcome alone. I think I hit it a long time ago, and I’m so used to living in it that I can’t even imagine a life without it. I’m running in place, and for the past few weeks, I’ve been running the fastest I’ve ever run, but I’m still not going anywhere. I’m deluding myself if I think that if I run just a bit faster I’ll actually go somewhere. I have to step outside of myself and accept myself for who I am if I want to actually go somewhere. The problem I’m faced with isn’t how to I can do that; it’s the fear that I know how but I just don’t want to. And that, to me, is scary.