Holding Me Back

I’m having another tough day of trying to figure out what to write. I have easy subjects I could write about, but frankly, I’m tired of writing about them so often. They include Insanity, her, my job, and a random assortment of other things. If the whole premise for this blog since the beginning was for me to change from a person I didn’t like to someone else, then the question I’m asking myself is: have I? My gut answer is I don’t know. I don’t know if I’ve changed enough to satisfy that question. I don’t even know if I’m on the right path, if that path even matters to me anymore. I need to be happy with who I am and what I’ve done, and if I get better, then awesome. If I don’t, though? Am I okay with that? I don’t know.

I had a strong dream about her last night, and it freaked me out so much I woke up from it, startled and sad. It was 4 AM, and I couldn’t go back to sleep. I debated with myself all day whether or not I should get back in contact with her someway, but so far, I haven’t, and I don’t think I will. I wanted to mention that briefly because she is a big reason why I started this blog. It’s been 125 days since I last talked to her. This blog and the knowledge of how many days it’s been since I talked to her are both reminders of her. If I truly want to rid myself of her, shouldn’t I try to rid myself of all reminders of her? I’m not quitting this blog. I’m just thinking out loud here. I’m actually glad almost no one reads this because I would imagine if I had a bigger audience how angry I’d be making my readers. Get over her already. Find someone else. Get out more. Move on Trust me, I know. I constantly say the same things to myself every day. I’m tired of it all. But they’re there, and it sucks.

A friend of mine said that I’m so stupendous at organization today. That made me chuckle. I’m not as organized as I wish I was, and that’ll probably make some people who know me angry. It’s like when a skinny supermodel complains that she feels fat, and everyone around her wants to choke her out. If I was more organized, then I think I wouldn’t have meandering days like I’ve had lately. I would be more disciplined and do more than I am. I wouldn’t watch TV, for one. At least not during the weekdays. But then do I want to waste my weekends not doing anything but watching TV? Whatever. I’m tired.

I need to stop caring what other people think of me. I need to not let other people dictate my life, even if it’s just of my own creation. It’s holding me back, and I don’t like being held back. Now I just need to do something about it.