Mario Villalobos

Year One

From 2014 to 2015, I kept a daily journal where I tried to explore who I was and who I wanted to be. These are those entries.

So It Begins

Hi, my name is Mario Villalobos, and I’m flawed. Super flawed.

Be Better

I went to WalMart today. My friend Sam works here, and I ran into him.

Not Looking Back

I miss my friend. I found myself daydreaming about her. I imagined her walking up to my front door and knocking on it.

Demand Better for Yourself

A few weeks ago, I quit my job. I had this job for a little over two years, and like most jobs, it had its ups and downs.

Accountability

I could feel the cracks showing today. My goal for this week was to just start: start working out, start writing, and start getting my life back together.

Regret

I’m afraid of myself sometimes. There are times when I’m so overcome with emotion that I truly don’t know what to do.

Doing Something About It

This morning, while it was still pitch black outside, I sat by my desk in front of my laptop, opened my novel in Scrivener, and stared at the blank screen.

Appreciate the Small Wins

For the first time in a few weeks, I feel good.

The Past

I have trouble letting go of the past. As much as I want to focus on the present, I can’t stop my thoughts from always drifting to some lingering memory of my life.

Bringing It

I have a job interview tomorrow for a job that I think will be a perfect fit for me.

Making Time

I just came back from my job interview, and I have to say, I’m excited.

Resistance

The excitement and necessity that came from starting and writing this blog has waned, and now I’m facing resistance.

Roll With the Punches

I’m going to one more fire tomorrow morning. I got the call earlier today, and my immediate reaction after I agreed to go and hung up was fear.

Pistol Creek Fire (Day 1)

My hands hurt. They hurt all day for some reason. I used the same tools that I’ve been using to fight fires for the past few years, and yet my hands still hurt.

Pistol Creek Fire (Day 2)

Montana is beautiful. One of the big reasons why I moved up here from Southern California was because I always thought this.

Pistol Creek Fire (Day 3)

The Pistol Creek fire is on the Mission Mountains outside of Arlee on an elevation of about 4,500 feet.

Pistol Creek Fire (Day 4)

I’m no longer fighting the Pistol Creek fire. I demobilized a few hours ago, effectively ending my 2014 fire season.

Perfection

My first day on the job was overwhelming. I arrived to work half an hour early because I totally miscalculated the time I thought it would’ve taken me to get there.

Embrace Who You Are

My second day of school was way better than my first.

A Nice Life

I went shopping today. I bought a whole new wardrobe for my new job.

The Weekly Review

When I first started to seriously delve into improving myself and my life back in 2009, the first book I read that seriously helped me was Getting Things Done by David Allen.

Frictionless

I feel like this might be a hard entry for me to write, so I’m just going to go right out and write it.

Highlights

Honestly, I’m tired. I didn’t work out again, but I kind of let that burden go today.

Priorities

A few weeks ago, my life was slow and predictable. Today, I’m as busy as I’ve ever been.

Seeing It Through

I made a promise to myself 25 days ago that I was going to write 365 daily entries at least in this blog, regardless of what the future held for me.

Doug Funnie

One of my favorite cartoons growing up was Doug. It was one of those shows I would always watch when it was on, and as I’m reflecting on my childhood, one of those shows that shaped who I am today.

Cocky

I slept in this morning, and I loved every minute of it.

Gone

I want to be different. Don’t get me wrong, I like who I am most of the time, even though there are things I really want to change about myself.

Change Is Good

This entry will mark the beginning of week five for this blog.

30 Days

I’ve read from a few sources that it takes 30 days to create a habit.

Unmotivated

I almost didn’t workout today. On my way home from work, I remembered that I forgot to pick up my MacBook’s power charger from my office.

Shut Up and Listen

The process of creating all these entries, even going back to when I journaled privately, has always been the same: me, a blank page, and no idea what the hell I’m going to write.

Organizational Fetish

Organization is important to me. I don’t just need to know where everything is, I also have to know that everything’s organized in the best and most efficient way possible.

Troubleshooting

I thought I was done with Windows. When I bought my MacBook Air last year, I decided to go all in into the Apple ecosystem.

Be Like Water

One of the key people that I looked up to when I first started on this journey five years ago was Bruce Lee, the philosopher.

Flawed

One day, all this, all these things I’m doing every day, from writing to working out to eating right, will end.

Change Sucks

I call her maybe five times a week, but since she blocked my number on her iPhone, my calls go straight to her voicemail.

Integrity

One of my biggest aspirations in life is to understand integrity.

Could've Done More

It’s becoming more difficult to write something new every day while trying my best to not repeat myself.

Burnt Out

I thought of writing about the concept of being burnt out, but as I kept thinking about it, I totally changed my view on it.

Damn I Look Good, A.k.a the Mirror

I woke up this morning later than usual. Since getting my new job a few weeks ago, I changed my phone’s alarm to only go off at 5 am on weekdays.

Doubts

I have doubts about, frankly, everything. I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing I should be doing.

Reboot

I seem to have had a knack for breaking things recently.

Get Some Sleep

I woke up at 2 am to my upstairs neighbors fighting, and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

Letting Go of Minimalism

I have this idea about letting go, but all my emotions and thoughts surrounding it are fuzzy.

Reflection

Reflection, true, personal, and daily reflection, is tough. It involves looking inward at a remarkable depth, examining every fiber of my soul, every act, every thought, and every moment of my day.

Colors

Yeah, I’m ready. I’m ready to change. Is that right?

Details Are Everything

My new messenger bag from Ugmonk came today, and it’s beautiful.

Retail Therapy

Part of me is afraid that I’m shopping to compensate for the void left when she left.

50 Days and 29,000+ Words Later...

I feel like things are just getting started. Like I’m waking up from a nightmare, and I’m ready to start my day.

Earn Every Day

Montana has taught me one irrevocable fact, and that’s that no one day is predictable.

How to Earn Today

All I want to do right now is sleep. I’m so tired, but I feel so good, too.

Being at My Best All the Time

I finished Day 30 of the Insanity: the Asylum program today.

Just Live

I don’t know what to do with myself on rest days.

A Quality Life

I went to Walmart today because I wanted to buy some frames to hang up the new posters I bought, but when I walked to the frames aisle, I found that they still did not have them in stock.

My Philosophy

On Day 30 I gave myself three goals to focus on for the following thirty days.

Greatness

The Insanity hybrid workout is kicking my ass. I think I sprained my left shoulder and right foot during my workout today.

Music

I just bought Ariana Grande’s new album from iTunes, and that’s what I’m listening to right now while I’m writing this.

Obsessive Tinkerer

I don’t know what to write about today. My weekdays are really busy.

Sixty

I feel good. Actually, I feel great. That’s not something I could’ve said sixty days ago.

On Routines

I like to be organized. Whenever I have an idea for a task, I have a trusted place where I can put that so I won’t forget it.

The Writing Life

”How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives," is probably one of my favorite quotes of all time.

Progress

Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing. During those times, I feel like none of what I’m doing is worth doing anymore.

Drifting Off Into a World of Words

I think winter has finally arrived here in Montana, and part of me is excited.

Shitty First Drafts

My blog keeps me in check. It keeps me honest with myself and what I want out of life.

Montana

Winter is in full force up here in Montana, with the temperature ranging from the single digits to below zero.

The Hawk

I killed a hawk yesterday, and I scraped its remains from the front grill of my car.

Automatic

There are so many things I want to do, tasks that have been on my todo list for a long time, but I just haven’t found the time to do them.

Watching Her Walk Away

I’ve built up my life on solitary activities. Everything I like to do doesn’t require anyone but myself.

Batman Da Vinci

It was a very, very lazy day today. I spent most of it watching the entire Batman trilogy.

Take It

I think we all have imaginary relationships with the people we encounter throughout our lives.

Over 200 Days of Insanity

Something I didn’t realize until today was that 48 days ago, I committed myself to 150 days of Insanity.

Bitching About Work

I’ve been having computer troubles at work recently. Something’s wrong with one of our servers, and I don’t know how to fix it.

Quitting

Frustration is one of those emotions I feel incessantly. Part of it stems from my desire to be perfect, and the other part stems from my finite resource of willpower.

Lifestyle Design

For the past few months, my thoughts have been consumed by the concept of design, mostly the concept of lifestyle design.

Frustrated

Ugh, I have to write another one of these entries…

Kaizen

Every day matters, because if you think about it, that’s when life happens.

Contradictions

I’m full of contradictions. That, of course, makes me human, flaws and all.

C'est La Vie

My journey toward something is now on its 79th day, and I don’t know what to write.

I Don't Know

I’m lying in bed, utterly and completely exhausted. My body aches everywhere, and my mind wants me to fall asleep and rest.

Grateful

I’ve never been the type of person who thinks about all the things I should be grateful for; instead, I think about what I don’t have.

1%

I went back and read entries from my journal I wrote earlier this year.

Rest Day

I’ve been spending the past few days in bed and resting.

Acceptance

I like to daydream. I like envisioning a life where I’m the man I want to be, with the life I want to have, with the girl I want to love.

A New Month

I had fun working out today. I started the new volume of the Asylum, and man, what a workout.

Keeping My Word

I try to keep myself accountable with both my actions and words.

Balance

I’m driven by an internal conflict raging between cautiousness and carelessness.

Happiness

I’m having fun right now. I’ve hit this groove and everything feels fantastic.

Indulgences

One of my favorite snacks that I just recently started making is to take a banana, remove the entire peel, and drizzle honey on top of it.

Unsatisfied

It’s been 90 days since I started this blog, and I feel good.

Keep Moving

Move your feet. When I was younger, I almost drowned. I was at the river with my family.

Accession

At the end of every day, when I’m lying down with my laptop on my lap, my fingers on the keyboard, and I’m thinking about what to write about for my blog, one of my first maxims, per se, is to try not to repeat myself.

Thinking About California

For weeks now, I’ve been thinking about and quietly planning in my head my road trip to California.

Earn It

One of the best things about working out is the meal that comes afterwards.

High School

I work at a very small K-12 school as a tech guy.

Dating

When I was younger, I read this short story about a guy who was locked up in prison, and he was given access to as many books as he wanted.

I Hate Dating

I got really depressed after writing yesterday’s entry. Since it was Saturday, I allowed myself to sleep in.

Settling Down

I did the bare minimum today, and I’m not beating myself up about it.

My Fragile Life

Today I realized how fragile my current way of life really is.

First 100 Days

This entry marks the end of my first 100 days on this blog.

Just Keep Trying

This week has been pretty great. I broke a couple of 100 day milestones, which I’m very happy and grateful for, and today I found out that the school I work for chose to hire me full-time.

Owning My Actions

A few days ago, I came home from work feeling good.

It Was a Good Day

A few days ago, I woke up to three e-mails from iTunes.

Thinking Through My Processes

I finished Week 3 of Insanity: the Asylum Volume 2 today, and I believe I’ve never been in better shape in my life.

Maybe I Can't Do It

There are areas of my life I’ve always struggled to respond to appropriately and instead have been constant disappointments throughout my entire life.

Freedom

Today brought lots of laughter, and all that laughter, along with some news I received today, lifted some sort of veil I didn’t know was covering my eyes and now everything looks brighter and better.

Exciting

I never thought I’d like working at a school, but I really do.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

One thing I used to do was repress any and all emotions that I didn’t like.

Merry Christmas

I spent time with my family today, and I had a lot of fun.

Self-Actualization

In Bruce Lee: Artist of Life, Bruce Lee wrote: …if you are cursed with perfectionism, then you’re absolutely sunk.

Getting Ready for My Road Trip

On October 1st, I began the Insanity: the Asylum Volume 1 workout.

On the Road

I’m parked on the side of the road right now, tired and a little bit annoyed.

Yup, I'm on Vacation

I couldn’t sleep last night. I tried sleeping on the side of the road, but it was too cold and too loud for me to sleep.

Game Night

I’ve been playing Cards Against Humanity and Settlers of Catan with my family, and I’ve been having a bunch of fun.

Happy New Years

I’m staring at all the boxes of stuff that’s the primary reason why I drove down to San Diego from Montana, and I’m sitting here thinking about my car, which is in the shop, my home back in Ronan, my family, my friends, my job, my blog, my health, my accomplishments, my failures, everything I did and didn’t do in 2014, and I’m grateful for all of it.

Montana Is for Badasses

I have furniture. My aunt and I went to IKEA earlier tonight, and I bought everything I wanted but one bookcase.

Ready to Go Home

My car is fixed1, and I’m now ready to head back to Montana.

Cruise Control

I left San Diego last night at around 11 PM. I drove for a few hours, then I pulled over onto the side of the road and fell asleep for a few hours.

Tested

I’m back home. The drive back up here was worse than the drive down.

A Nice, Normal Day

I’m back, baby. Things went back to normal today, which gave me so much joy that I completely forgot for a second that my car is injured and my credit card debt is high.

Retrospective

I’m about a third of the way toward completing my goal of 365 straight entries.

For Posterity's Sake

A big reason why I wanted to buy furniture and decorate my home was because to both move on from her, who always complained about how my home looked, and to show it off.

The Known Unknown

Even though I try to be as open and as honest as I can be on this blog, I purposefully omit many things that happen to me throughout my days and most pertinent thoughts I’m having.

Holding Me Back

I’m having another tough day of trying to figure out what to write.

Under the Weather

I woke up today with a runny nose, and I’m writing this with a runny nose, and I’ve been tired all day, even after taking a few naps, and I went to the grocery store and bought some hot chocolate, and I’ve been pouring honey down my throat all day, and all I have to say is that it looks like I might be getting sick.

Aspirin

I woke up this morning with a blistering headache. Actually, scratch that.

Still Hard on Myself

I decided to take the week off from working out to recoup and recover.

Feeling Better

I feel better today, which is awesome. I still woke up this morning super tired, super sick, and super irritated at the fact that my ceiling began leaking during the night, which cut my sleep short tremendously.

Chev Chelios

You know what’s great? When you feel great. I feel great.

Building the House

I’m a slave to my whims. When I feel like doing something, I’m going to do it.

Choices

My life is dictated by choices, those I’ve made and those made by others.

Quiet Desperation

I want to do things better. I want to do my blog better, I want to do my novel better, and I want to do every aspect of my life better.

Journalling and Lying

Some people don’t like journalling because they don’t like trying to find a narrative to their lives.

Just. Fucking. Great.

I’m going to bitch about work this entry, and it might not make any sense or be that entertaining to read to anyone but myself.

Still Fighting

I still didn’t fix what’s plaguing our network at work, and my car was still not returned to me in working order.

Bad Day

Nothing was resolved today. I couldn’t get the network back up and running; in fact, I seem to have made it work.

I Didn't Want a Drink Today

Today was much better than yesterday, and that’s because I came out of hiding and made myself available to be seen by people.

Shit Works! Sorta

I was able to fix a lot of the issues from the past few days today.

Feeling Pleasure by Denying Pleasure

I was texting with one of my friends yesterday about my horrible week at work, and our conversation turned to self-control.

Hell Week Is Over

The weekend is over, and I have to go back to work tomorrow.

I Got This

I fixed it. I fixed the network problems we were having at school for the past week.

Back to My Stultifying Routine

Compared to last week, today’s day at work felt slow even though I did a lot.

Three Hours

On Monday, I finished reading Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind by 99U, and yesterday I started to read Maximize Your Potential: Grow Your Expertise, Take Bold Risks & Build an Incredible Career by 99U.

Breaking It Down

So I made no progress on my plans from yesterday to be better today.

Better Than My Best

I accomplished a great deal today, both at work at and at home.

Pomodoro

I live most hours of my days with a screen of some sort in front of my face.

The Urgency of February

January is in the books, and we’re now at the mercy of February.

Attacking Life From All Angles

I sat in my office when my phone rang. It was a student calling from his teacher’s phone.

Be Careful What You Wish For

The network is down again at school, and I was irritated this morning when I came into work.

Perception

I was offered the opportunity to teach a class next quarter, and I took it.

Divide and Conquer

We fixed the internet today. By we, I mean the network engineer Shawn and me.

Grateful for the Little Things

For the past two months, I’ve been spending about five minutes every night writing three things I’ve been grateful for during the past day.

Showing My Work

Back when I tried to pare down my possessions to just the essentials, I had a strong desire to digitize everything that could be digitized and toss their analog copies away.

A Lot

I read a lot this weekend. By a lot I mean a lot.

Back to Work

Wake up. Start boiling water. Brush my teeth. Shave. Put dishes away.

Unanswered Questions

I’m 28 years old. I don’t feel 28 years old, but I’m aware that most ages don’t have a feel to them.

What Do You Do?

It was the middle of the day, and I was tired.

Tired, Sore, and Cranky

My body is tired from the beatings Insanity has given it this week.

Hell No

I’m resolved to focus my days more on my writing from this day forward.

That Fire

With each sunrise and sunset, I move further away from the person I don’t want to be anymore and toward someone I can’t even imagine; yet, I will always keep dragging the weight of my past behind me while chugging along into the future.

Firestorm

I love having a job because it has helped me manage my time in a really productive and focused way.

Embrace the Suck

I learned how to disarm a guy today at school. You grab the barrel of the gun with one hand and pull it away from the perp, grab the barrel with the other hand and twist his arm toward your body while turning your back against him and pulling the gun away.

No Internet

I came home yesterday with my internet down. I called Charter, my ISP, and the customer rep tried a few tests, which all failed, and concluded that a technician would have to come to my house and check it out.

Not There Yet

I’m reading Reading Like a Writer by Francine Prose, and one of the many things I love about this book is the systematic detail she goes into.

The Plateau

I’m about half way through Month 2 of Insanity Max: 30, and I believe I hit a plateau this week.

The Gamble

One thing I don’t seem to allow myself to have is time.

Own Worst Enemy

Sometimes I approach these entries with the intention of writing something that would change my life.

Being Human

I’d really rather sleep right now than write. I don’t feel good.

How I Use My Pocket Notebook

Enough with the moody shit. Lets talk about something fun. How I’m using my pocket notebook!

Capital F Fun

Regular readers1 will have noticed my not very hidden depressed mood these past few entries.

Evoooooooolving

Continuing from yesterday’s post, I haven’t had any fun today. It doesn’t mean today was a bad day, per se; it was quite the normal day.

Stay Tuned

I stared at the instrument panel like nothing had happened. I turned to my right and saw a red truck stopped about 25 yards away, its emergency lights flashing.

Dance!

I’m still alive, and I danced to some disco. No, literally, I danced to some disco.

Digital Permanence

In this entry, I’m going to think aloud about something that not only took over my thoughts today, but has regularly occupied them for the past few years.

The Right Tool for the Right Job

There’s the past, there’s the future, and then there’s now. Today is the first day of a new month, and I can’t help but think about where I’ve come from and where I’m going.

Before and After

Before and afters can be very enlightening. Years ago I took selfies of myself when I was somewhere over 220 lbs.

Everyone Needs to Keep a Journal

I’m going to try something new. I’m going to start writing in my Moleskine pocket notebook again while also updating my blog on a daily basis.

Focus on the Now

I don’t think digital permanence mattered to me as much as I thought it did.

What Would You Save if There Was a Fire in Your Home?

It’s easier to live with very few things in the information age and still possess a lot than in any other time in human history.

Satisfy Your Inner Geek

I’ve been thinking a lot about my tools this week, and the only real conclusion that I’ve made is that I’ll never stop thinking about my tools.

Second Chance

I used to be fat. I used to weigh over 230 lbs at my heaviest.

The Halfway Point

“How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

A Very Sunny Day

I never realized how much I missed beautifully sunny days until I moved up to Montana.

Starting a Commonplace Book

I’m journaling into four different tools, and they’re all different, all serving a singular purpose, and all very helpful and changing my life in their own way.

Not Sure How to Push Myself

I think those of you who have kept up with this blog for the past 185 days know me more than you’d ever thought you would.

Who Needs Rest? Not This Guy!

I need to sleep. I’m exhausted, and I’m pushing myself a little too hard.

An Introvert? Who? Me? Get Outta Here!

I’m an introvert, and I don’t like going out. I like staying in, reading and writing and living “a life of the mind”, a phrase I read in Susan Cain’s book, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking.

Grab Doubt by the Balls and Kick Its Ass

In the past few years, I’ve written over a thousand pages of my novel in a couple of drafts, hundreds, possibly thousands more pages in my various journals, and over 340 pages for this blog, and I’m still afraid I’m not supposed to be a writer.

⌘⇧Fuck

My life is a rough draft that I haven’t finished revising.

The Endgame

In chess, there’s a stage in the game called the endgame.

I Love You, Blog. You Complete Me.

A week or so ago, I decided to ignore the girl I developed a crush on at school.

First Draft Philosophy

Take nothing for granted. Life is short and anything that impedes your ability to live it as fully as possible should be excised immediately.

This Is Me

I’m going to try something different with my blog. For months, my blog has felt like a place where I had to try to say something important, in a sense.

It Just Works™

For the past few weeks, I’ve been learning about and setting up a piece of software called System Center Configuration Manager 2012 R2.

Successful Limits

For the past few weeks, as I’ve been doing more and more, I’ve been sleeping less and less because I’m still waking up at 5 AM every morning.

Ulysses

Since the day I first started writing a blog, I’ve always yearned to write really good personal essays, but I never gave myself the time to grow enough to accomplish this.

Meta-Narrative

I sometimes write my personal essays and journal entries with the understanding that I’m going to re-read them in the future; therefore, I try to write about what I wish to do or hope to become as a way to force myself to do those things.

Tired, but Earning My Rest

It’s harder getting up in the mornings because I’m sleeping later and still waking up at five.

Technology or No Technology, I Don’t Know

I love technology. Specifically, I love my MacBook Air, iPhone 6, and iPad Air.

The Journey After 200 Days

I’m struggling to be a more consistent writer. I want to be a better writer, and I know to become better, I have to write every day.

Back to Basics

Next week I start teaching a group of high school students all I know about writing and filmmaking.

How (Not) to Be Like Leonardo Da Vinci

I wrote once about how much Leonardo da Vinci inspired me as a kid.

Burgeoning Rewards

One thing I love about writing this blog is the fact that the seeds to today were planted days ago.

First Day Teaching

Teaching is challenging, and I think that’s why I’m going to love it so much.

Learning How to Teach

I had a better day at teaching the high school kids today than yesterday.

Unintentional Confidence

I wanted to write about discipline today, and discipline is very important to ensure I show up every day, but I believe it takes a lot of confidence to do everything I’m doing to improve myself.

I Work There

She didn’t come to school today. One thing I hate to think about but think about anyway are my missed opportunities, be it with girls (like her) or things I shouldn’t have said or should have done.

I’m Not Alone

No matter how much I want to rest and goof off and neglect my duties, I must keep writing because my life is too short not to.

The Movings of My Soul

My mind doesn’t need to think about what to do next since my life is built on habits and routines.

Guide of Conduct

I set my oven to 350˚F and waited a few minutes before sticking my blueberry bagels inside.

Life Is Too Short to Live It in Mediocrity

I almost didn’t workout today. There was a leak in my sink that had been dripping water for what looked like weeks.

Montana’s Void

The days are getting longer in Montana. I’m staring at my window and can see the bright rays of the sun seep through the blinds.

The Difficulties of Blogging

Finding something new or relevant or interesting to write about on a daily basis is difficult, and it’s a curse I have to bear for at least five more months.

Some Thoughts About Going Back to College

I read this article today in the New York Times that was about whether writers think getting an MFA from a creative writing program is worth it.

Casual Friday

I wore my Green Lantern shirt at work today. I don’t have any pictures, unfortunately, but take my word for it: I looked good.

Guilty

I spent the majority of the day watching Daredevil on Netflix, and it’s so good that I almost succumbed to my desire not to do any work today.

Journal for My Novel

“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

Ambition and Insecurity

I want to tell stories. That’s essentially why I write. Whether they’re fictional or biographical, I like telling stories.

Let’s Go

As a reaction to yesterday’s entry, I read Don Quixote as much as I could, fitting in reading times during the little breaks of my day.

I Just Want to Read!

I finished reading the first part of Don Quixote, and a few hours later I received Everything That Rises Must Converge by Flannery O’Connor and Runaway by Alice Munro.

Sentences

I read the first short story from Flannery O’Connor’s book, Everything That Rises Must Converge, and it was great.

Human Regret

The end of the day sometimes forces me to look back at my day with a wish that it had been different, where I should’ve acted with more purpose and joy.

Some Photography

Mobile photography overtook my focus today, and I absolutely loved it.

Unanswered

I wasted this weekend, and I almost didn’t want to write tonight.

Be Happy for Crissakes

Why was I so sad yesterday? That was uncharacteristic of me.

Thinking Some More About Photography

I’ve been on a photography kick for the past few days, and I’m really enjoying it.

Teaching a New Class

Earlier this year, I was offered the opportunity to teach my own class to a small group of high school students.

Yes, but How Do You Feeeel?

Sometimes I have imaginary conversations in my head that I may or may not act out in real life.

Folded Upon Itself

My thoughts have been all over the place today, and there’s no clean thread that connects them all.

The Whole Body of Things

I’ve discovered that the weekends are the worst time for me to spend alone.

Maybe I Need to Slow Down

The world is moving quickly outside while I’m slowing down, while my feet aren’t moving as fast as I would like them to.

I’m a Writer

I watched the Social Network on Saturday, watched the first scene a few times yesterday, watched the last of my Drama students perform the scene in class today, and finally showed the scene to the class.

So Very Tired

The easiest thing to write about is what I’m feeling right now, and right now I’m feeling tired.

Mistakes

I think the greatest test for me has been owning up to my mistakes honestly and courageously.

Better for It

I’m grateful for the familiarity habits and routines bring to my life, especially after some tough times.

Figuring It Out

I need to make some changes, but I don’t know what that entails yet.

What Now?

I made it to the end of my 200+ day Insanity workout by finishing the Championship video in my hybrid the Asylum Vol.

Fight to Win

I went to my niece’s 3rd birthday party today, and I had a lot of fun.

Lost and Floating

Day 239. I have a little over four months left before my year is up, but I don’t know if I’m going to make it.

To Drink or Not to Drink

Day 240. You wanna know what’s scary? All I’ve been thinking about whenever I have a free moment at home is how much I want to buy some wine, drink it, watch some TV or play video games on my iPad or draw on the Paper app on my iPad, and then go to sleep early.

Showing Up Regardless

Day 241. Everything seems to be calming down and getting back to normal.

Alcohol-Infused Dream

I’m a few sips away from finishing a full bottle of Pinot Noir.

Pivoting

So I don’t know if I’m going to make it to 500 words today.

Taking a Break

This entry will be short. I’ve been playing Batman Arkham Asylum in Steam today, and I drank a full bottle of Pinot Noir without breaking a sweat.

Happy Birthday to Me

I turn 29 today, and I’m giving myself the day off.

Balance and Limits

I’m starting over. I’m throwing away everything I’ve done on a near daily basis since starting this blog and rethinking everything before starting over.

Rediscovering Myself

I worked out for the first time since Thursday, and I feel fantastic.

Learning and Finding Balance

My days, now that they’re simpler than before, feel good. That guilt I was feeling the past few days over not doing things I used to do no longer make me feel guilty.

Deflecting

I gave in and bought beer today. I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would back when I decided not to drink at all, so progress, I guess.

Mad Max

After 250 days, I’m going to give myself permission to slow down and not write 500 words an entry every night.

Sk8terboi

I wasted most of today with broken streaks and empty beer bottles.

My Diary

This is what my blog is: it’s a diary that I use to capture whatever thoughts and feelings I have during the actual act of writing.

The Most Interesting Man

Be prepared, everyone: You are about to read the greatest thing ever written by man on the internet, hell, on anything.

Successful?

Are you still there? The world hasn’t ended? I can drink and have fun and not fill every minute with something to do?

Why We Fight

I’m slowly settling down into my new routine, and I’m enjoying it, mostly because of the weather.

Don’t Know, Don’t Care

I hate to admit this, but a big part of my evening routine now includes more than a couple of beers.

How Do We Live Well?

We never learned how to live well, did we? It’s not something we learned in school, and honestly, I don’t think many of us had role models we could have looked up to who lived or were living a great life.

How to Be Batman

It’s past ten o’clock, and I haven’t written a word all day.

Do What We Need to Do

I’m going back to my regular routine tomorrow, and by regular I mean my scheduled-to-the-minute, intense, and rigorous one.

I Finished My Novel

It only took me 260 days, but I finished my novel today.

The Quantifiable Life

It feels good to be back. The routine is sound, except I’m still figuring out how to properly implement my novel rewrite into my day because I’m not too sure how I’m going to approach the rewrite yet.

Attitude

All I needed was a change in attitude. I’m doing many of the same things as I did during the days leading up to my burn out, but I feel more relaxed.

Nostalgia and Maturity

We finally screened all of our drama students’ fairy tale adaptations in class today, and they were super fun and adorable and good.

Thank You, Pinot Noir

Montana is wearing me down. I didn’t show my drama class my movies from college because I was stupid enough to ask them if they wanted to watch them.

People Are People A.k.a. I’m Having Fun Today

I decided today should be one of those days where I let loose and have some fun and eat some food I usually don’t eat and drink wine and order pizza and eat ice cream and lie in bed all day watching TV.

Splurge

More of the same today. Scratch that. I worked a lot in OmniFocus today, actually, and I converted a lot of stale Someday/Maybe items into actual projects that I intend to work on and actually get done within the coming weeks and months.

That Fire

One of the big things on my mind lately has been the question of why I feel the need to do so much on a daily basis.

Experimentation Jubilation

It’s such a relief not being beholden to anything. Life, granted it’s just one day of life, has never felt so quiet, and that’s a good thing.

References

I take my pack test tomorrow, and I don’t know if I’m ready.

Cleaning House

Do you ever get the urge to simply change things up a bit?

Surprised I’m Still Awake

My eyelids are heavy and my vision is blurry because I’m tired and I’ve been drinking too much Pinot Noir this evening.

Baby Steps

I think I found my new favorite place in Montana, and that’s the Shakespeare & Co.

Every Ending Is a New Beginning

I want to give everyone I see a hug because it’s such a beautiful day, and I had such a beautiful week, and I have great hopes for the upcoming week and all the weeks after that for as long as I can see, and I feel good because I have books and music and a home of my own and ideas I’ve implemented or will implement, and I’m simplifying my life as much as I can in an attempt to be less rigid and structured and a bit more spontaneous and creative and it’s working.

Well-Lived Day

It’s hot. Summer doesn’t begin for another two weeks, and it was 99 degrees in my car after work today.

Protechnology, Antiintellectualism

I wish I had more money. I want to buy a TV, a Playstation 4 to play all my DVDs, a soundbar and some Sonos speakers to play music out loud, a couch or a reading chair, and more stuff to hang on my walls.

Main Course

I have to write. I’m paraphrasing here, but I watched this talk today with Zadie Smith, and she said there are two types of writers: there’s the writer who writes from all the stuff she’s read, and a writer who writes from experience.

Missoula

I’m 76% of the way through my year. I have three more months of this, just through the summer, and I’m done.

If It’s Broke, Fix It

Today marks the end of a pretty good week. I didn’t work out or write or do that much reading, but I still consider it a good week because I made some great progress at work.

All Work and No Play

I went to Missoula today, exchanged a bunch of books for store credit at the Book Exchange and came away with On Beauty by Zadie Smith and Ulysses by James Joyce, then went to Hastings, looked around a bit and came away with just the Complete Stories by Franz Kafka, and finally I went to Shakespeare & Co.

Status Update

I had my first writer’s group since college, and it was nice reading my stuff aloud and getting feedback for something I wrote.

Floating

I had my firefighter physical exam this morning, and the docs say I’m in great health.

Fasting Crankiness

I fasted today because I’ve been feeling really unhealthy lately, and, in an act of completely openness and honesty, I didn’t want to wash my dishes from last night, which included my only plate and frying pan.

Just Be

I received my very first issue of the New Yorker magazine, and I was uncharacteristically excited for it.

The Unexamined Life

The Windows 8 deployment at school is going pretty well. I’m very happy with how it’s been going lately.

Day 285

I’ve been drinking since about 3 PM, and I don’t want to dig deep with my writing tonight, because all I want to do is watch TV and drown in self pity because I think I’m destined to ruin every good thing that’s ever happened to me.

Summer Lovin

I rearranged furniture in my house because I decided that I’m going to get a couch.

It Is What It Is

In order to distract myself from the hardships of life, I spent today rearranging my home in preparation for my new couch.

Better Late Than Never

I bought a couch, and that marks the beginning of my midlife crisis.

Small Steps

My home feels great. I really love my couch, and I love the idea of the two new posters I bought and that are coming within the next few days.

Home

I’ve been thinking a lot about the stuff I’ve bought and the stuff I want to buy.

So Dramatic

I passed my pack test and completed my refresher course, which means I’m qualified to be a wild land firefighter for the summer of 2015.

So Painful It’s Funny

I’m in so much pain right now that I can barely walk.

Day 293

It’s hot. I’m in shorts I wear no more than once every few years, and the breeze feels good.

Courage

I find it really, really tough to write about myself without bitching or writing with a tinge (or a splash) of self-hatred or solipsism.

Solitary Confinement

Fire season might be starting real early for me. I got a call from a former crew boss today asking me if I was ready to go out.

Small Town Woes

I was supposed to workout today, but I didn’t. I planned to, but in the end, I didn’t feel like it.

Lost

I’m still here. No fire yet. I’m a handful of computers away from completing my Windows 8 upgrade at school.

Get Hard

I’ve come to a conclusion about myself that is both mind shattering and unbelievable.

Greatness

In my pursuit toward greatness, I’ve stumbled and battled with many internal conflicts, but a lost battle doesn’t a lost war make.

America

I made it to day 300, and it’s America’s birthday. Coincidence?

You Are What You Eat

Well… here we go again. I’ve been thinking a lot about food.

Getting Old

It’s 8:21 PM on the 6th of July. I’m somewhere in Jocko fighting a paltry 1 acre fire that we lined, contained, and pretty much finished today.

Guilt

I have this overwhelming amount of guilt weighing on my shoulders right now because I completely forgot to write Tuesday’s entry once I got home from the fire.

Better Than That

I’m better than them. That’s something I’ve been thinking a lot for the past few days, with them referring to pretty much every member of the 10-person crew I was out fighting fire with the past two days.

Run-Ons

I’ve been up since 2 AM because I drank a full bottle of wine last night while watching my friends new movie Dude Bro Party Massacre III which was insanely funny but it didn’t help my body not feel dehydrated which is why I woke up at 2 AM and wasn’t able to fall back to sleep but it turned out to be okay because I watched Beyond the Lights on Netflix and I loved it especially Gugu Mbatha-Raw’s magnificent performance and beautiful voice and then my alarm went off at 5 AM and I made my coffee and made breakfast and tried to take a nap afterwards but I didn’t feel too good so I couldn’t really nap before work which I went back to today and I was tired and cranky but happy to be back and going through my old routine again which is what I needed especially after the horribleness of the fire I got off of earlier this week and I’m listening to Miguel’s Wildheart album right now and holy shit it’s amazing.

What’s Normal Anyway?

I spent the first half of my day at work unpacking and setting up 22 new desktops for one of the computers labs we have at school.

Minimalism, Revisted

I went ahead and bought a food processor along with a couple of Paleo cookbooks.

Regroup and Refocus

Tomorrow I’m going to try to eek out every last ounce of productivity I can get from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep.

Half-Lazy

There he is! I’ve missed him. I’m happy right now (I’m literally dancing in my seat right now to some Janelle Monae) because I performed my first Insanity workout in over a month, and I feel GREAT.

Proof of Life

Day 2 of my rebooted Insanity Max: 30 workout regiment is in the bag, and I feel good.

Purees, Paste, and Pynchon

I wish I could dance like Samuel T. Herring. Day 3 of Insanity Max: 30 is in the bag, and I started feeling it today.

Are You Not Entertained?

ARPANET came into my life from two different sources of media: from the Americans TV show and Inherent Vice by Thomas Pynchon.

Finding That Balance

I spent close to $700 at the mechanics for my fourth — FOURTH!

I Made Ice Cream

That right there is my first attempt at making Paleo-approved banana strawberry ice cream, and it was delicious.

Some More Paleo Fun

I had more fun in the kitchen today. That right there is Sweet Potato Has topped with a Pork Chop seasoned with Paprika and Cayenne Pepper.

Uninterested Dick

Week 2 of Insanity Max: 30 didn’t go very well. I was winded really quickly, and I dripped more sweat than I’ve ever done before.

Thoughts on Apple Music

I’ve been trying Apple Music since it came out a few weeks ago, and in the beginning, I added about half a dozen albums into my collection that I’ve since listened to many times.

To Tweak or Not to Tweak (Part 1)

I spend a lot of time in front of technological devices.

To Tweak or Not to Tweak (Part 2)

Two years ago I bought my first Mac. It was the mid-2013 13” MacBook Air with 8 GB of RAM, 256 GB SSD hard drive, and a 1.

To Tweak or Not to Tweak (Part 3)

I bought my first iPhone in the fall of 2012. It was the iPhone 5, the first iPhone with the 4” screen, and my first smartphone ever.

First World Problems

For the past few days, I’ve been writing a lot about technology, from Apple Music to why I don’t like Windows to why I love Apple’s devices.

Meditation

The countdown continues: a little over 40 days left until my one year project ends.

Just See What Happens

It’s raining, and that pisses me off because my fire season is almost over and all this rain isn’t doing me any favors.

My Story

I’m taking the next two days off from work because the floors outside of my office are being redone, which means I can’t use my office until they’re done, which won’t be until Friday.

My Car

I slept in about an hour and a half this morning, which felt amazing, but once I woke up and started my day, I remembered that I had set up an appointment with the mechanics at 8 AM and I really didn’t want to honor it.

The Spectrum of Life

Day 18 of Insanity Max:30 went very well. Since starting this workout again, I’ve lost 2 lbs and I’m on track to get back to my ideal weight that I lost during the dark months of May and June.

Information Diet and Instapaper

One of my favorite apps of all time, even before I had any device that could actually run it as an app, is Instapaper.

Chicken Prosciutto Involtini

I’m having fun in the kitchen again. This is a dish called Chicken Prosciutto Involtini, and I found it on the Nom Nom Paleo blog a few weeks ago.

Outgrown It

I had nothing really to write about (again) until I got out of the shower and checked my phone and saw that the Division of Fire called me, so I called them back and found out that there’s a fire in Arlee, but since I was a measly 7 minutes late in returning the call, they filled my spot with someone else.

Rewards

I write to help me think, and I’ve been sitting here thinking for the past 30-40 minutes about what to write about tonight, but the only thing worth writing about, I thought, was about what I was thinking.

Couture Fire

Turns out, if I get a call to go out on a fire, I will, without question, say yes.

Change of Plans

I can’t overstate how much the quality of a crew makes or breaks a fire.

Elk Fire

It’s been a long day. I’m lying down in my tent out in the Bison Range on some pretty hard ground but comfortable enough for me to sleep on.

Off the Elk Fire

We had a pretty slow day today. We finished fighting the Elk Fire, which didn’t take very long.

Firefighter Porn

Another day, another dollar. We spent the entire day gridding the bottom of the fire to the very top.

Stumpfucker

We did a whole lot of nothing today. We were supposed to grid the same area we did yesterday, and we did for a little bit, but then we took a break, which turned into a lunch break, which turned into a get off the mountain break because a thunderstorm rolled in above us and it was too dangerous for us to work.

Almost

I’m home. We finished containing the Couture Fire today. Actually, we contained this fire on Thursday and have been milking this fire since then.

Popped My Cherry

I took my first squad out today. This fire has been one of the best ones I’ve ever been on.

Sleeping in My Car

What a long day. It’s 10:27 PM, and I’m still at it.

Making Those Dolla Dolla Bills, Y'all

What a god damn fucking hot day. One of our crew members went down with heat exhaustion today, so I made sure to give my squad members enough breaks to rest up and water up, and they all performed wonderfully.

Red Flag Warning

What a fucking day. I fought two fires today, and I wish I could stop it there and have you all know exactly what happened during them, but that’s impossible without writing it all down.

Time for Break

My feet hurt too damn right now. God damn is the slope of this fucking mountain steep.

Back Home

We made it to day 13, and now we’re heading home to take one day of R&R, and we’ll be back at it on Tuesday.

Break Time

I get to fight fires for one more week before my season ends.

Back at It

I’m getting the hang of being squad boss. It’s getting easier to delegate my tasks to other people and the extra responsibility is very welcome and nourishing, in a way.

Clusterfuck

Well, I’m home. We didn’t demobilize or anything. We were just given the opportunity to go home at night and come back in the morning, which is an idea I’m in love with.

Shit Rolls Downhill

T-Minus 3 more days. It’s hard being the boss sometimes. You’re held responsible for everyone’s actions, and when shit goes wrong, you’re the one who’s blamed.

T Minus 2 Days

Today was a slow day, and I think we all needed that.

T Minus 1 Day

The penultimate day of my 2015 fire season is over, and it went well.

Home

I’m back home. My 2015 fire season is over, and I go back to work tomorrow.

Working Through It

One of the saddest things about the end of fire season is the hard crash that comes from the monotony of a slower routine.

Settling Down

School starts tomorrow, and I’m totally not ready for that.

Not Feeling Good

Today was awful because I woke up with a runny nose, and I drank two Cold Smokes, which caused me to take a nap for about 2-3 hours just now, and I really didn’t want to write this entry, but here I am writing what I can.

Exhausted but Still Ticking

So I still haven’t added my entries to my blog. I’ll do it soon.

The Weekend Is Here

So I’m still trying to get my life back on track again.

Gluttonous Fuck

I need to get back on track. I updated my blog, and I added pictures to it without much context but it’s fine.

Consumption Habits

Today went by too fast because I actually did what I set out to do.

Pinot-Infused Dreams

I had some crazy Pinot Noir-infused dreams last night, and I finished the bottle tonight, and I can’t seem to keep my eyes open.

Achievable but Unattained

One the things I should’ve started this week but haven’t is Insanity.

Just Jump In™

If I didn’t have to write this entry tonight, I would be asleep.

Mom’s Home

It’s late because I spent the last 7 or so hours with my mom and my family.

Continuous Improvement

I need to stop driving while spending some of the night drinking.

One Last Shopping Spree

Well, Amazon and Ugmonk were happily paid today by me. I have stuff coming next week!

The Penultimate Entry

I’m high right now. So fucking high. Today was my niece’s sixth birthday party.

The End

Hi, my name is Mario Villalobos, and I’m flawed. Super flawed.