Robin Rendle:

I can be whoever I want and no-one can tell me otherwise. I can be funny or dark, a romantic or a raging goth. I can be a typographer, a web designer, a poet. Tomorrow? My accent can change, the colors revert, typefaces flipped inside out; I can change everything about this website and reimagine who I am. Edit the bad or worrisome or downright embarrassing stuff out, throw away the unsavory stuff, until I’m only showing you me at my very best.

So what you see here isn’t me.

In a bit over 200 words, Robin articulates something I’ve been feeling lately. I’m constantly changing, constantly rethinking my behavior, my thoughts, my likes and dislikes, my mindset and view of the world.

I’ve slowed on my blogging because I want to redesign my website again but oh my god I don’t have the time for that right now, but gosh dangit I want to so much. All I’ve been doing the past month is working on my school’s website redesign, and I’ve learned so much. Not just about web development, but about design and typography and even my own aesthetic and sensibilities.

Every time I read something a new, whether it’s from a book or from the web, I add it to my mental library of facts and ideas and opinions, and I let it do its thing up there. If it improves something I thought I knew, then great! If it contradicts with something I thought to be true, that’s great, too! We humans are very good at holding contradictory thoughts in our heads at the same time. If it makes me angry, then it makes me angry, and if it makes me happy, it makes me happy.

I don’t get those stubborn types of people who feel it’s a weakness to change your mind. Why live your life like that? I don’t get it. Maybe it’s just an American thing? More reason to travel the world!

There’s really no point to this post, and that’s okay. I needed to write things down to see what happened, and I liked what happened. So let’s go and post this thing.

A few weeks ago, my friend Ginger asked me if I would help her out with something. She was applying to the Northwest Student Exchange, a non-profit student exchange program based in Seattle, WA. Next year, she was hoping to host a teenager from Germany, and while she was filling out her application, she asked me if I would like to be the girl’s academic coordinator. Without really thinking about it, I said sure. “What do I have to do?” I asked. “I’m not sure,” she said. “Okay.”

She put my name and email down, and not long after, I received an email from the NWSE asking me if I would like to apply. I emailed back and said sure. The NWSE representative then sent me the application, I filled it out, and I setup a phone interview for the following week. When the interview came, I talked to the representative and answered questions for about an hour. I didn’t really know what to expect, but the more she told me about the program and the role I played, the more I started to get excited about it. According to their website, “NWSE Area Coordinators love working with youth, believe in the value of international understanding and friendship, enjoy reaching out to others, and are often well connected in their communities.”

Maybe it was the coronavirus or maybe I’m getting soft in my old age or maybe I’m thinking more about my legacy, but working with kids and being around kids has really made me happy lately. Just this morning, my good friend Maddie, a first grader, ran up to me and gave me a hug. Kids around her started saying, “Hi Super Mario!” and I said hi back and joked around with them and made them laugh, and their laughter is just so infectious. Yesterday a young kindergartener showed me a small strand of pink yarn and she said she stole it from a leprechaun. I laughed and said, “I never met a leprechaun hunter before,” and she smiled demurely before running away and rejoining her friends.

The student from Germany will be 16 years old when she flies into Montana later this year. In her application she wrote that one of the reasons why she wanted to come to America was because she wanted to get out of her comfort zone and learn new things. I can relate 100%. I’m eager to meet her and learn from her and teach her and make sure her stay in America can be as good as it can be. If I had said no to this opportunity, if I had said no to Ginger, what would that have meant for me? That I’m a coward? That I’m comfortable with complacency and mediocrity? I don’t want to live like that.

So I’m glad I said yes to this. I’m scared but also excited. Isn’t that one of the best things about life? That feeling of possibility?