I finally finished The Last of Us Part II, and I loved it. That seems to be an unpopular opinion about this game, but I don’t care. It was a great game, one I’ll be thinking about for a long time.

Humans are contradictory, hypocritical, and selfish, but we’re also kind, loving, and selfless. The world isn’t black and white, and sometimes there isn’t a clean way to view the world. For generations we’ve praised slave owners and murderers as heroes, yet we railed against others who were better than them. The rationale being since they’re on “our” team, then they’re okay, and since the other person is on “their” team, they’re not. Moral absolutism is a myth, and cancel culture is getting out of hand. But we’re also all on the same team. We’re humans.

I honestly don’t know where I’m going this. These are just thoughts and notes I’d like to remember later.

School starts next week, and I’m both eager to see the kids but anxious at the same time. I’m not ready for the staff to return, but I’ll be happy to get back into some sort of rhythm again. For the past week, I’ve been playing The Last of Us Part II every chance I could get, and I’ve been having a lot of fun. I was even playing it for a bit just now, and for a moment, I completely forgot that the coronavirus was a thing. I was invested in another world and with other people. I wonder if there’s a word for that, this disassociation from one reality and into another one. I think that’s the perfect definition for insanity?

I played The Last of Us Part II last night after eating half a dozen vegan burritos and downing four amber ales. In the game, I killed dogs sent to kill me and then their owners as I searched house after house for supplies and clues to where my friend went. I flashed back two years and spent time with my mentor and realized this was all his fault. His death is on him. The world is messy. It can’t be all sunshine and rainbows. Life has radicalized me against those who think this way.

I haven’t worked on my book in weeks, and I wonder if I even want to be an author. I haven’t gone for a walk in a few days. Trying to take one good photo a day is burning me out, so now I take pictures of my TV, a screen I look at for hours a day. For many days, my life is my TV, and is there nothing more American than that? I don’t go to work today or tomorrow, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I spend them indoors illuminated by the blue light of my OLED god.

Drove my car through a car wash and enjoyed the show. After, I took my car for a drive and tested my new tires. They drove beautifully. I went and bought a tribal conservation permit, but instead of putting it to use immediately, I drove back home and spent the rest of Sunday lazily. I turned on my PS4 for the first time in almost two months and played The Last of Us Part II. I finished watching I Know This Much is True on HBO Max, and I thought Mark Ruffalo was incredible. I watched the season finale of Perry Mason and enjoyed the conclusion. I went to bed and watched another episode of One Piece before I fell asleep. I think I dreamt about Taylor Swift, but I’m not sure. I woke up with a pain in my lower back, and I’m afraid it’ll sideline me for the week.

In The Last of Us Part II, Ellie keeps a notebook to document her thoughts and sketches, and her pages are beautiful. I love notebooks so much, and hers inspired me. I thought about this website and how it reminds me of a notebook. Every photo is taken the day before I write my entries, and along with my words, they constitute my journal, my notebook, and I love it. I’m eager to see where this goes.

There’s a scene early on in The Last of Us Part II where Ellie and Dina find an old music store, and as they explore it, Ellie finds an acoustic guitar inside a black hard shell case. She opens it up, grabs the guitar, and starts playing a few notes before breaking into a melancholy song while Dina lies by her feet and listens. It’s a beautiful scene, not least of which is the story behind Ellie first learning how to play the guitar. Four years prior, Joel gives her his guitar and promises to teach her how to play. It’s a touching scene in a game full of them.

I bought my first guitar in March, a Gibson G-45 acoustic in standard walnut and handcrafted in Bozeman, Montana. A few months prior, a friend of mine lent me one of his guitars that I played on and off, never seriously and never really that well. But when I received this Gibson G-45 acoustic guitar, in the middle of lockdown no less, something new was sparked within me. I opened the package, pulled out the hard case, and grabbed the guitar. It was light and smelled wonderful. I tuned it and played the few chords I knew and loved the sound. It was warm and the strings felt great under my fingertips.

Wishing you were one thing and actually becoming it are two very different things. Before owning my guitar, I felt like a pretender, like someone who wished to be a guitar player rather than being one. After owning my guitar, I felt different. I felt that not only could I be a guitarist but that I would be a guitarist. Since then, I’ve been practicing on a near daily basis, and even though I’m still not good enough to play in front of people, I’m on that road. I can see it, I can feel it, and I can taste it.

While I watched Ellie play, I felt all of those emotions rise up again. I picked up my guitar, wrapped the strap around my shoulder, and started playing.