One fear I want to overcome is the fear of carrying my mirrorless camera with me outside. I wanted to take a picture of the mountains near my home, but I didn’t when I came across a stranger. He minded his own business, but I felt shy. Why do I find the act of taking pictures nerve-wracking sometimes? It might be the attention. It might be that I’m projecting my own thoughts and emotions onto other people. I have to remind myself why I want to take pictures in the first place: because it’s fun.

Today, Bandcamp is waiving their revenue share to help artists impacted by the coronavirus. I spent almost $70 on new music today, and I couldn’t be happier. It’ll help me forget that we’re living through an apocalypse. I wish other people got the memo, though. Traffic yesterday was insane. Too many people from out of state are coming into Montana, and I’m worried that yesterday’s 67 new cases will be a drop in the bucket later in the summer.

At least Hamilton is now on Disney+.

Battled through a headache for most of the day, but I managed to find peace in the storm clouds. I took a right turn on my way home and saw this view of the mountains I’ve never seen before. I’m beginning to understand the appeal of driving down back roads and getting lost in my backyard. There will always be new sights and new experiences, and that gives me joy in this time of great pain.

Scientists found a new virus in pigs that they say has pandemic potential. Meanwhile, Dr. Fauci says he expects America to hit 100,000 new coronavirus cases a day. Some states are closing down again, and Montana set a record of new cases on the first two days of this week. School reopens in a few weeks, but how many of us actually expect to be back in the classroom by then? All I can do is turn off my screens, open my notebooks, and write.

Before the apocalypse, I had been writing a novel about a man who watched his friend lose everything. I had been writing this book for years, and every time I felt like I finally found my voice, something would happen where I would question myself so severely that I lost all confidence in myself and in everything I was doing. The last time this happened was on the 24th of February. I had used this notebook to write down all of the thoughts and ideas I had for this story, and I opened it for the first time last night. All I could think about was how trivial that time feels to me now.

Yesterday morning I came across this image in my feeds, followed by this one. Over 121k people have died in America because of the coronavirus. How will humanity, especially Americans, see themselves once this is all over? Once we can see the destruction of this virus in total? How many lives were needlessly lost because we couldn’t stay inside or because we couldn’t wear face masks? I’m no angel, either, and I’m afraid to see what’s going to happen to us next.

Fireworks have been going off around my neighborhood every night this week. Next weekend, we will be celebrating our Independence Day. More fireworks will light up the night sky, some more dazzling than others, and all I can think about is whether we’re gathering together to truly celebrate or because we just like to see stuff explode.

Once, a friend of mine introduced me to one of her friends as the tech guy. Her friend looked me over and said, “You look like a tech guy,” and smiled before we did shots together. I told her it probably because of my glasses. “No, you just look smart,” she said. I nodded, finished my beer, and ordered another one.

I can’t see without my glasses. The world is blurry when I take them off and clear again when I put them on. Writing, for me, is like putting on my glasses. My thoughts and feelings come into focus. I write because I want to remember the past. I want to remember what I felt and saw, what I thought was worthy of writing down. Otherwise, I’m blind. I move through the world in a blurry fog of shapes and colors. Sometimes I wonder if that’s not the perfect metaphor for humanity.

Remember when Rick Perry started to wear glasses? He tried to look the part, and in a way, he succeeded. I read yesterday that because of the coronavirus, black people have lost over 45k years of life. Latinos have lost over 48k. White people have lost 33k. Meanwhile, the Europeans have banned Americans from entering their country because of how our government handled this crisis. I write this down to remember it later.

Apple started their online-only developer’s conference yesterday, and as I watched the entire two-hour keynote, I felt a certain unease because I know this company has their hooks into me deep. What are they going to announce to keep me in their ecosystem for years to come? The new iOS 14 and their customizable home screen? The new iPadOS 14 and its ability to handwrite in search fields? What about the new watchOS 7 and its ability to automatically detect when you start washing your hands? Is there nothing more 2020 than that? How about the option to customize your Memoji with a face mask?

There’s no other company’s logo that’s as prominent in my life than Apple’s. Their products are around my wrist, in my ears, and in my wallet. I stare at screens small enough to fit in my pocket and big enough to draw on. They power my entire home entertainment system and stay on all day to backup my files. If any of these products fail, I don’t worry because I know I’ll replace them immediately. Am I living in the best of times or the worst of times? Sometimes I can’t tell.

Montana added 32 more coronavirus cases yesterday. More states are reopening. The first wave hasn’t ended yet but people are under the delusion that we’re on the second. Our government wants to stop more immigrants from entering our country, and I’m over here counting Apple logos like sheep before I fall asleep.

Montana recorded 11 new cases of the coronavirus yesterday. Someone I know had a family member test positive for the virus earlier this week. The curve is trending up, and I recently heard Dr. Fauci state that we’re still in the first wave of this pandemic and not the second that some people thought we were in, myself included. I’ve become complacent when it comes to staying safe and practicing everything every smart person in the world is telling us: wear a mask, practice social distancing, wash your hands frequently, etc. Last night I went out drinking with a few friends. I had a lot of fun but was it worth the risk? I have a mask. I bought it in May, and I’ve been wearing it only when going to Walmart to buy food. I haven’t been wearing it at work or at the local grocery store or at the bars I visited last night. I keep it in my bag, but I don’t bring my bag everywhere. The coronavirus has only been in America for four months, but it feels like a lifetime.

I played The Last of Us Part II yesterday. The Last of Us was the very first game I played when I bought my PS4 Pro, and it was a game I loved almost from the outset. The same is true for its sequel. In the world of the game, an outbreak of a mutant fungus infects the world, turning the infected into zombie-like creatures. It’s an interesting game to play when the world is going through its own pandemic, but unlike the world of The Last of Us, our world didn’t need a mutant fungus to turn us all into brainless zombies; we just needed to elect a reality television star.

Today is officially the first day of summer, and I plan to spend it with some friends. I don’t plan to wear a mask even though everyone everywhere is telling me I should. I guess I’m a brainless zombie, too.