Day 69: Watching her walk away
I’ve built up my life on solitary activities. Everything I like to do doesn’t require anyone but myself. My main love is writing. I sit alone every morning and every night, place my hands on my keyboard, and start typing away. I love it when people read my stuff, but the reader’s aren’t part of the actual act of writing. I do that on my own. Another thing I love to do is to read. Reading is a solitary activity that involves me and someone else’s words. I workout by myself. One of the reasons I love Insanity so much is that it feels like I’m sharing my struggles with other people. No one knows how hard I have to push myself to complete each workout. I’m not sharing that with anyone. Nobody sees the progress I’m making or feels the exuberance I feel after completing each workout. I’m the only tech guy at work, so I have no one there to talk to if I need to bounce ideas off of someone or need help in figuring out some problem. I cook meals just for myself; I live by myself; I have a big car that no one has ridden in but me; and I have a twin size bed that’s only big enough for me, so I sleep by myself. I’m not sharing my life with anyone, and I’m ready for that to change.
I lost my friend over two months ago. I’ve moved on enough where I don’t think about her every day, and where I no longer feel pain when I do. My mind’s been thinking about someone else, and that made me realize how ready I am to move on and start dating again. Part of the reason why I’ve been so focused on building up my home — buying furniture, decorating it, etc. — is because I’ve been imagining bringing someone over. I want to impress her when she sees my little studio apartment. It’s not the size that matters and all that. But since it’s not ready, I’ve been holding myself back a bit. That’s not the only reason or even the biggest reason why I haven’t asked any girl out yet, but it’s the main reason I’m telling myself. It’s a lie and I know it is.
I feel like I don’t know how to share my life with anyone anymore. I’ve been hurt so many times that I’m afraid of opening up with anyone. I know that’s ridiculous, but it’s what I’m feeling. Slow and steady always wins, and that’s how I’m approaching this. With the knowledge of how my previous relationship went, I’m afraid and hesitant to start a relationship with anyone from work even though I’m aware of some possibilities. This job pays me very well, and I don’t want to do anything that may jeopardize that. Other than that, I’m a very passive guy when it comes to asking girls out. Again, I’m so used to doing things on my own that the thought of sharing my life with someone else doesn’t hit me when it matters most.
Confidence is most definitely a contributing factor here. I’m a fucking catch, but again, I don’t feel that way when it matters. When I see a beautiful girl at the supermarket or at the theater or somewhere else entirely, my thoughts don’t immediately go toward talking to her and maybe asking her out. My thoughts react to her beauty and dwell on how beautiful she is, then they go back to whatever it was it was thinking about before. My gut reaction isn’t to go after her but instead to watch her walk away. I need to be more active here. Who knows how many “the ones” I’ve let slip by by my passivity.
How can I ensure I’m more active? I don’t know. Just do it, I guess, and see what happens. What’s the worst that can happen?