Day 42: Doubts
I have doubts about, frankly, everything. I don’t know if what I’m doing is the right thing I should be doing. I don’t know if I should write about things so personal to me on a blog. I don’t know if I should keep posting my entries on Facebook and Twitter. I don’t know if my novel is any good. I don’t know if I’m capable of doing a good job at my job. I don’t know if I can truly be honest with myself, let alone with anyone else. Everything I want to do is difficult and requires time that has recently felt like it’s been slipping through my fingers.
I want to be better, but I don’t know how to get there. I’m on this journey, but I don’t know where it leads or what awaits me tomorrow, next week, or next year. I finished Day 19 of the Asylum workout, and I’ve never expelled so much sweat in my life. I love pushing myself, but I have doubts it’s actually doing me any good. I know I can’t sustain the intensity of these workouts for long, and eventually I’m going to have to find something else to do to keep healthy. I’ll be lost like I’ve been so many times before, and I don’t know if I’m capable of finding my way on my own.
Recently I’ve been obsessed about buying things. From a wallet to computer peripherals to clothes to gadgets for my car. I really don’t need anything, but I want them because part of me feels like I’ll look more interesting with them in my life. Of course, all these things I want to buy will be used daily, so they have their practical utility, but I’ve lived this long without them, and I’m relatively happy. I don’t think these things will make me any happier, but I don’t think it’ll make me any sadder, either. Again, I have doubts, but knowing me, I’m sure I’m going to spend the money and buy these things.
We all have doubts, right? How do other people deal with them? I believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe that getting rid of doubt will make me any better. I believe the opposite, actually. I believe every emotion I’ve ever felt is important and essential for me to have while I’m on this journey toward self-improvement, including doubt. Doubt, I think, is my mind’s way of telling me to slow down and think some things through. I feel like I’ve been going full speed for the past 42 days that I haven’t stopped to just think about what I’m doing.
I’m a man of routine. I’ve said that so many times before, and I think that’s a big reason why it feels like time is slipping through my fingers. I don’t stop and just think about what it is I’m doing. No matter how hard I try to move away from all the flaws that prompted me to start this blog in the first place, I find myself easily falling back into those same self-destructive rhythms without question and not finding anything wrong with it.
I mentioned in my very first entry here that this year I became someone I didn’t like. That there was always the possibility that I didn’t become this person but have always been this person. I’m finding the latter to be so much truer than the former.
Is there a point to all this? Am I destined to always be this man I constantly seem to try and run away from? Or do I actually have a chance to improve? I hope for the latter, but I have my doubts.