Day 281: Floating
I had my firefighter physical exam this morning, and the docs say I’m in great health. My blood pressure is great, my heart rate is great, and my doctor even told me that I have the healthiest ears she’s seen in months. There were a lot of tests taken, more than I’ve ever had before, and it was a relief to know I’m in good health. I really didn’t have any question about it, but it’s nice to have it confirmed officially.
Did I mention I finished Gilmore Girls last night? Yeah, I’m distraught that it’s over. Today I found myself having no idea what to do. I kind of want to rewatch it again, but instead I’m rewatching the first season of Daredevil. It’s a great distraction from the doldrums of life. Work, and I might regret saying this later, is boring me right now. I have projects, sure, but I don’t know… they’re not interesting me anymore. It feels like drudgery. I know upgrading everything to a more modern operating system will help me in the long run, but I’m not in the mood to work. I’m not in the mood to do anything, to be frank.
I want to spend money that I don’t have. I want to move and live somewhere. I want to stay and work on my craft. I want to leave and read. I don’t want to go firefighting this summer. I can’t wait to go on a fire this year. I’m being pulled in multiple directions and I’m just letting life happen to me. I’m not living it the way I know I should, can, and want to.
Sadly, something I cut out weeks ago is overtaking my thoughts: RSS feeds. I cut out RSS feeds a few weeks ago because I was growing tired of the internet, and instead I wanted to use that time I spent reading them toward reading books instead. That hasn’t really happened yet, even know I know I should be. Right now, even, since the sun is out and still shining brightly, I could read a chapter or two from my book, but I’m not going to. Instead, I want to watch His Girl Friday, The Apartment, or My Fair Lady. One of them. That or more Daredevil. I just want to lie in bed and not do anything.
Why? Why am I being so lazy? I don’t feel driven anymore. I’m like Benjamin Braddock floating in his parents swimming pool in the Graduate. I’m floating right now, adrift on an indifferent sea, slowly letting it take me wherever it wishes without a care in the world. I’m shrugging everything off without much thought to it. How much longer will this last? Until I’m fed up with myself, I think, and judging from past experience, that time is coming up soon.