Day 273: Every ending is a new beginning
I want to give everyone I see a hug because it’s such a beautiful day, and I had such a beautiful week, and I have great hopes for the upcoming week and all the weeks after that for as long as I can see, and I feel good because I have books and music and a home of my own and ideas I’ve implemented or will implement, and I’m simplifying my life as much as I can in an attempt to be less rigid and structured and a bit more spontaneous and creative and it’s working. It’s working because I’m striving for balance, and even though I’m tipping from extreme to the other, I feel life balancing out, and that has given me a sense of calm and clarity I didn’t know I was lacking until that fog lifted from my eyes and I could simply see my life and what it was.
My life was a string that I was pulling on too tightly until it snapped. I snapped and I gave up and fell into an extreme depression that involved alcohol and gluttony and self-loathing that seeped horribly onto all areas of my life, and that’s exactly what I wanted to run away from last year but I didn’t — I couldn’t — because I was doing it all wrong. Nothing I did was ever going to last. I wrote about that a lot, and I tried to convince myself that it was going to be okay, but I never envisioned the ending and what that would mean to me and my life. Every ending is a new beginning, and that’s where I am right now.
I’m not going to continue my blog after this year is up, at least not in its current form. If it still exists, it won’t be daily. I miss writing in my journal by hand, and that’s what I’ll be returning to come September. I want to see what a year in my life looks like, and I want to see what I did, how I felt, and everything else I can’t even think of. I’m in the process of moving away from nervously and habitually checking my todo list for help living my life, and instead I’m going to live my life as productively and as happily as I can. I will still have my todo list as a capture system and a way to organize my life when I need it, but I will try to no longer be a slave to it. My life is easy to figure out: I need to read, write, and work out/eat relatively well. I don’t need a todo list to tell me that. I need a todo list to tell me what I would like to get done when I have the time and energy enough to do it; otherwise, I’m going to spend my time the way I want to.
It’s the summer. One glaring hole in my life is my lack of friends. I’m going to try this summer to make some friends, even if it’s just one person. All it takes is one person. Like the Holstee manifesto states:
If you are looking for the love of your life, stop; they will be waiting for you when you start doing things you love.
It’s time to start.