Wed May 13th, 2015

Day 248: Learning and finding balance

My days, now that they’re simpler than before, feel good. That guilt I was feeling the past few days over not doing things I used to do no longer make me feel guilty. In fact, I feel more relaxed. Where I would feel slightly stressed and pressed to write after work, for example, I now feel relieved and relaxed when I don’t have to, when I can lie in bed and watch some TV and simply relax. I really needed to venture away from extremism and more toward a balanced lifestyle. I’m still trying to find the right balance for me, but for now, I feel good about it.

That’s a big thing I need to pay attention to, my feelings. I was feeling burnt out for weeks, maybe months, but I ignored it because I needed to get this stuff done, and I needed to fill my days with work. I told myself, and I’ve even written about it before, that I needed to be hard on myself because I hated who I was before. I hated it so much that I ran to the complete other side of the spectrum and lived a life of extremes. No drinking. No eating unhealthily. Working out for over 200 days. Write write write every day. Read voraciously. No fun, pretty much. Now I need to swing back to the other side of the spectrum, but stop before reaching the other side. Balance. That’s what I need to find.

I’m still learning. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just trying to do something so that I can be happy and get work done. I want to be a writer, and I know I won’t get there if I don’t write. I also don’t want to be unhealthy. I remember that life, and I don’t want to go back there. So I need to workout and I need to eat well. But it’s okay to drink booze every now and then. I definitely needed it. It made playing video games that much more fun. And I need to journal. I just need to. Even if it’s uninteresting to read to anyone else, I need to get it out.

There are so many holes in my life that I’m struggling to fill, and I notice when I don’t write about it. That tells me I’m either afraid or embarrassed or ashamed about it. One of those things is finding and making friends. I know simply talking to someone about this stuff will help me feel a lot better instead of keeping it all inside. I also need to get out of my house, and in turn, my head, every now and then. I need to laugh more. I used to laugh a lot with friends I lost and with friends that are in other states. I miss that a lot. I miss having fun with people. I hate bitching about it, but I need to in order to make me do something about it. It won’t immediately, but I can always hope.


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Day 247: Rediscovering myself I worked out for the first time since Thursday, and I feel fantastic. I can’t believe I don’t do this when I’m feeling low. I understand that when
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Day 249: Deflecting I gave in and bought beer today. I don’t feel as bad as I thought I would back when I decided not to drink at all, so progress, I guess. I knew I