Day 243: Pivoting
So I don’t know if I’m going to make it to 500 words today. I will stop writing when I think I should stop. I bought another two bottles of wine today, and I’m a cup away from finishing the first bottle. I woke up really tired, but not as hungover as I thought I’d be. Wine is better than beer that way (and a bottle of wine isn’t that much alcohol). I really just gave up my no alcohol streak, didn’t I?
I turn 29 on Sunday. I think I’ve grown more bitter since moving to Montana. I’m not blaming Montana for that at all. I think it’s just me. I haven’t been the best person since moving here, I guess. I think that’s part of who I am. I’m not a good person, I think. I don’t think I’m emotionally stable for most people, whatever that means. I’m an extremely emotional person, and since most people can’t handle their own emotions, they don’t know what to do with a guy who knows how to express his. I don’t need anybody to carry any of my weight. I just need somebody to understand how capable I am of expressing myself and handling my own shit but unafraid to just listen.
I’m going to be alone this weekend, like I have been for most weekends since starting this blog and losing my friends. There have been some weekends where that wasn’t true, but those are more rare than regular, unfortunately. I don’t really “care,” in a sense. I just thought I’d write the truth as I see it now. The truth I want to change. Drinking has reminded me of all the times I used to not drink alone, and how much I miss those days now. There’s no one I can call to come over and have a drink with me. C’est la fucking vie.
I think I’m going to grow my beard out. I miss my beard. I think I’m just looking for a change. I’m going to spend this weekend to recharge, regroup, and redefine my life. The past eight months have been great, but I burned myself out. This past week has been a great evidence of that. I’m just pivoting. I’m hoping this weekend will be fun and relaxing and energizing, so when Monday rolls around, I’ll be able to get back into my usual grind with a fresh mind and body and maybe even some fresh ideas that I can use to tweak my days in a very positive way. For now, though, I’m going to relax. Good night, everybody.