Thu April 30th, 2015

Day 235: Better for it

I’m grateful for the familiarity habits and routines bring to my life, especially after some tough times. When the world seems to be against you and all you want is an ounce of normality, habits and routines are there to provide that. I really really love that. Work has been hard the past few days, where I’ve come home angry and frustrated. Working out has helped me out a lot, and once I do and I shower and eat and watch some TV, I feel better and I forget about all of my troubles. I couldn’t sleep last night because I had a million thoughts running through my mind, so I’m lying in bed right now ready to fall asleep. I’m tired, especially since I have two more days of my hybrid workout before I’m done with it.

Music helps, too. There’s nothing like a good and familiar album to invade your ears and fill your world with glee. I’m falling back to these simple pleasures to keep me centered and focused on what matters. Life is too short for bullshit, but bullshit sometimes get stuck under your shoe and you only know about it once you drag it all over your living room floor. It’s one of those things I know I need to handle better, and that’s not something I’m going to master quickly. It might take me my whole life; I might never master it.

Sometimes I feel like I’m destined to lead a tragically funny life, but then other times I feel like I’m destined to lead an epic one. I’m a slave to the whims of my emotions. If I could map out my emotional states for every day in a month, that graph will look like a seismograph during an earthquake. I will feel totally different than I do now tomorrow, and that unpredictability amuses me. I want to not know because I make most of my mistakes when I force things instead of letting them happen naturally.

One thing I don’t like about myself is how my mind projects what I think other people think about me — which is mostly negatively — and how that thought affects how I feel about myself. I’ve never been able to know how to shake that off. I always tell myself to let myself feel everything I’m feeling in the moment, just to get it all out of my system, but that’s apparently easier said than done. I’ve tried to do that sometimes, and I definitely didn’t like how I felt or the thoughts I had, but I think it helped. It’s cathartic, in a way, and I’m better for it afterwards. It’s like crying, if I could cry.

This blog has been an incredible document of my journey and growth as a human being, and there are times when I don’t want to update it or wish I never started it, but I’m always going to be grateful for it. It has helped me see my life in a new way, and I’m better for it.


year one


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Day 234: Mistakes I think the greatest test for me has been owning up to my mistakes honestly and courageously. I’ve learned that mistakes are simply a part of life;
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Day 236: Figuring it out I need to make some changes, but I don’t know what that entails yet. I’m almost done with my novel, so I know I want to spend a lot more time with