Day 181: Second chance
I used to be fat. I used to weigh over 230 lbs at my heaviest. I couldn’t walk outside for more than a few minutes without breaking into a sweat and losing my breath. I used to drink a couple of cans of soda a day for weeks at a time. I used to eat two bowls of cereal every morning, a bowl of cereal and a bowl of ice cream at night as a before-bed snack. The only veggies I ate were melted into the cheese of a fattening pizza. I used to look at my overweight body in the mirror and hate myself. I hated everything about how I looked, and I was constantly sad, and to feel better, I ate more. I ate when I wasn’t even hungry. I would go to the fridge between commercial breaks because I had nothing else to do. I had no control over my impulses, and I just ate because it felt good, and I just wanted to feel good.
Today I finished Insanity Max: 30, the fourth Insanity program I’ve accomplished. I went from Insanity, to Insanity: the Asylum Volume 1, to Insanity: the Asylum Volume 2, and now to Insanity Max: 30. I’m in the best shape of my life, and I feel great. I hated feeling so helpless back then that I decided to do something about it, and I’m glad I did. My resting heart rate hovers between 45 to 50 beats per minute. It used to hover between 65 to 70 beats per minute when I was overweight, and that was a resting heart rate. My heart was doing more work to keep me alive because I wasn’t treating my body right, and now it’s doing less and I’m doing more. I’m doing more than I’ve ever done in my life, and it feels like I’ve been given a second chance.
I used to regularly feel chest pains. They hurt and they lasted for minutes at a time, but I grew so used to them that I just let it become a part of my life. These lasted for years. I haven’t had a chest pain in a very, very long time that I completely forgot about them until just now. I never thought I’d live past 27. I’m not sure why I felt that, but it was just one of those things I believed. There was no reason for me to believe that, but I did, and for years I used that as an excuse to not do anything. Why do anything when I expected to die at 27? I wasn’t motivated to do anything, I didn’t have anyone that I could talk to, and I really felt like I had nothing to live for. I tried ending it all in college once, but I failed at that. I started seeing a therapist, and she helped me stay alive. It wasn’t until I was back home, three years after graduating college and still living with my mom, when I decided enough was enough. I needed to get my fucking life back on fucking track.
I’m now weighing in the low 170s on a regular basis. I can do ten minutes of Insanity without breaking a sweat, and I’ve noticed that when I finally do start breaking a sweat, my whole body’s burning. I know that I’m pushing myself harder and harder each time, and that just makes me stronger. The stronger I get, the more I want to do, and the more I can do. You guys who read this blog regularly know all that I’m doing. This wasn’t possible for me just three years ago. I feel like I’m making up for lost time, and now I simply want to be great. Not compared to somebody else, but great in the sense of actualizing myself to the greatest extent possible.
On Monday I start my 60 day Insanity: the Asylum hybrid workout. The toughest part of this workout isn’t going to be the actual work, but readjusting my schedule to accommodate the longer workout times. Today also marks day 181 of this blog. Tomorrow will mark the (rough) halfway point of my 365 straight days entries goal. That means I’ve kept this up for six months. I’ll have more thoughts about that tomorrow.
I can’t stop looking at myself in the mirror nowadays. I’m so different than I was just a few years ago. This was something I always wished for but never thought I’d actually accomplish. Now I feel like I can do anything, and I am, and I’m eternally grateful for that, and that I’m still here, still alive, getting the chance to do this. Life is short, and I want to live it as fully as I can.