I’d really rather sleep right now than write. I don’t feel good. I’m not getting sick or anything. I’m just sad. I’m pushing myself too hard again, I think. Today was supposed to be a slow and fun day, which it was. I read a bunch of comics1, played video games, and I even watched a movie2. I ate popcorn and lied in bed all day and stuck to my schedule and checked stuff off my todo list and all I wanted to do was go out to a restaurant and have lunch with a friend. But I don’t have anyone in my contacts list I can just do that with anymore, and that sucks. Obviously it means I need to make new friends, and I’m trying, in my own way, to do that. I just have to deal with these times of unwanted solitude until I take charge of my life and change this.
I’m thinking of designating Sunday’s my I-can-go-out-to-eat-whatever-I-want day. My diet is pretty much “perfect” every day. I don’t eat shit, I do eat healthy food, and I cook most everything I eat. It’s getting to me, though. I’m so strict with myself sometimes that I don’t even allow myself a modicum of cheat foods. At work, if someone offers me a damn cookie or a piece of chocolate or anything sugary like that, I turn them down because I want to be “perfect.” I don’t know what the fuck that means, but what it’s turning out to mean is not having any fun. Every now and then, I want to go to the grocery store and buy some chocolate chip cookies or some candy or something like that. It’s not always. Maybe, at most, once a month. But I don’t because I have to “take care of myself.” At least that’s what I tell myself, but taking care of myself should be more than depriving myself of foods I’m craving. It should be allowing myself these simple luxuries every now and then because I both want them and deserve them.
I don’t know anyone else that’s as strict with everything about themselves as I am, and maybe there’s a good reason for that. People aren’t meant to live lives like this, except if your a monk or into asceticism or something. I can’t wait until dinner time to eat because I don’t have any snacks around when I’m feeling hungry. I want to satisfy that craving now. But everything’s connected. I don’t want to eat processed foods because I want to eat as healthily as I can because I want to feel great and look great and because buying healthy food is expensive as it is and adding to that bill unhealthy and “junk” food makes no logical sense since I’m trying to also save money and pay down my debt and live “better” than what I’ve lived so far.
I’m only burning myself out, and I’m going to have times like the one I’m having right now, where I’m sad, I’m weak, I’m irrational and dangerous. Sometimes I have to let myself be human.