Thu January 15th, 2015

Day 130: Building the house

I’m a slave to my whims. When I feel like doing something, I’m going to do it. When I don’t feel like doing something even though it’s something I need to do, then I force myself to do it, regardless if I like it or not. I make myself like it. But I also procrastinate. I hold off from doing what I need to be doing for as long as possible. We all do this, right? I’m not the only one who does this. But when I get an idea, and it excites me, then I have to do it. I don’t think about it, and sometimes that comes back to hurt me. Like when I emailed her a few days ago. She hasn’t replied, and she might never reply, and that will either make me sad or make me not care anymore. But I didn’t even think about it when I emailed her. I just did it.

Remember those posts last month about dating? I’ve made zero progress since then, but a few days ago, I had the chance to talk to a girl, and I just let her walk by. I remember feeling so fucking bad afterwards. I recognized the opportunity, I knew I had to talk to her, but when that window opened up, I froze. I looked at her, and she looked back, and nothing. She walked by, and I walked the other way, and I wanted to jump off a cliff. I don’t know why I froze, but I did. C’est la fucking vie.

I’m also on day 130. 100 days ago I gave myself three goals to try and complete for the next 30 days. I didn’t complete them then, and I’m not really on track to complete them soon. I guess I’m reading still, but not as much as I wanted back then. The whole body fat issue turned out to be moot as I could tell I was losing fat by just looking at myself, and I stopped using whey protein powder. Instead, I’ve been using Primal Fuel for the past few months, and I think that’s helped me out a bunch. I’m not a big New Year’s resolution guy anymore, but I’ve definitely felt the lack of urgency I’ve felt for this year. Maybe some goals would help kickstart that drive. I don’t know.

Sure, I’ve come a long way, but a lot of it has felt easy. It was hard years ago when I spent so much time learning how to build and sustain habits, and even though I’ve fallen off the wagon many times since then, I knew how to get back on my feet and start over. I knew once I built up momentum, things will run more smoothly and I’d be happier. But it seems I haven’t taken that next step. What comes after you’ve built the foundation? The house. I haven’t built the house yet.

I’m not sure what type of house I want to build, but I know it’s time for me to start. I hope I don’t come back in 30 days and be like, remember when I was talking about building a house? Yeah, I’ve made no progress on that. Wish me luck.

year one

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Day 129: Chev Chelios You know what’s great? When you feel great. I feel great. Still not 100%, but better than even yesterday and especially better than a few days ago.
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Day 131: Choices My life is dictated by choices, those I’ve made and those made by others. Because I believe in free will, I have the power to choose which choices I