Day 122: For posterity’s sake
A big reason why I wanted to buy furniture and decorate my home was because to both move on from her, who always complained about how my home looked, and to show it off. It’s very contradictory, and I don’t know how to reconcile that other than to say I have no idea why I feel and have felt this way. I’ve had this urge to get back in touch with not only her but with her friend, too, the one who recently became pregnant. I actually have this OmniOutliner document open with notes for an email I may want to send to the pregnant friend, where I want to apologize and maybe become friends again. It’s stupid, and the biggest reason why it’s stupid is because I have a desire to show them my home, how much I’ve changed and grown, and that I have this blog. I’m still attached to them, and it’s stupid. It’s really stupid, and I know it’s stupid, but they’re real feelings, and I have to acknowledge their existence to help me move on.
Now that I’ve lived in my new and improved home these past few days, I’ve had this feeling of gratefulness and acceptance. I’m grateful that I’ve had the opportunity to see my ideas come to fruition. Driving 3,000 miles is not something one just does. Not only that, but coming back with new furniture and about a dozen boxes full of stuff, too. I’m grateful that it’s done and that I can move on. I’ve also accepted the fact that these girls who bitched about my place won’t see it now. Back when I first had the idea of improving my home, about a month or so after I started this blog, I hoped, maybe even expected, to get back in touch with her or her with me. It never happened, obviously, and I’m glad. She’s still got her hands on me, but I feel them letting go. It’s a good feeling. I may have somebody coming over in the next few days, but that’s something I don’t want to talk about yet. That thought is actually what prompted this line of thinking, but I’m just mentioning that for posterity’s sake.
This all feels like unfinished business, though, and that’s something I have to let go. I guess I’m still holding a grudge over what they said about my place. It’s funny, actually, because it’s kind of petty, but whatever. I’d rather be honest with myself than lie. And in effort to be honest, I have to admit that I’m neglecting my todo list. I’m still not fully back from vacation mode, but it’s nothing too major. I’m doing my habits and routines like always, but I’m not doing the other stuff I want to do. There are stuff on my computer that I want to get done but since they’re not important, I disregard them. There’s more I want to do with my novel, but I don’t because after writing my 300 words in the morning, I move on and do other stuff. Like watch TV. Or procrastinate. Or watch some more TV. It’s a problem only as much as I want to call it a problem. There’s no fire under my ass to get me moving forward, but maybe that needs to change?
We’re about 2% through with the year. I just returned from a long vacation. I finished Day 3 of Insanity Max: 30 today. I still have a long way to go before I should worry. I’m just writing it down now so I can keep myself accountable. Here’s hoping it actually works.