Day 102: Owning my actions
A few days ago, I came home from work feeling good. I had a productive day, and things just seemed to be going well, so when I saw my notecards on my desk, I decided to write a note to my neighbor. I didn’t think about it; I just did it. I apologized to her for being loud during my workouts, and I wrote to her that I usually workout between 5-7 PM. I stuck it in her door and went about my business. Today, I thought about that note and felt a little embarrassed. I’m not sure why I did it. It was just something I’ve been conscious about for months now. Insanity is no joke, and if I’m not making noise, I’m not working out. I’m pretending to work out. So I thought I’d apologize for all the noise.
This made me start thinking about all the actions from my past that I’ve felt and still feel embarrassed about. I know that I just have to own my actions and embrace them because they make up who I am. There were a few things I did in the days leading up to the creation of this blog that I’m super embarrassed and ashamed about, but I did them and I have to own them. Maybe not to you guys, but to myself. I have to be honest with myself. Will I ever do something like that again? I don’t know since I wrote my neighbor that weird note.
I can be very impulsive, and I think the reason I am is because I’m fueled by my emotions. I’m a very emotional person. It’s how I write, and it’s how I live. From the outside I may seem the opposite of this, but trust me, I’m not. Usually when I’m quiet I’m feeling fear or anxiety or something like that. It could be that I’m completely uninterested and don’t want to be mean about it. At least I think that’s what I’m feeling. If I’m having a good time, then I’m joking and laughing and saying stupid things because who cares, I’m having fun. And when I’m feeling good, I may start singing and dancing because why not? It feels good, so I do what feels good. And when I feel bad, I sometimes tend to do things that make me feel even more bad. It’s strange. Like how we sometimes listen to sad music when we’re sad. It’s therapeutic, I think. I can definitely see that since when I’m sad, I try to feel as sad as possible and write about that because that makes me feel better. Are we all like this?
The thought of owning my actions hit me hard today because I keep imagining scenarios when I run into her or to other people I may have hurt in the past. I want to apologize to everyone I’ve ever hurt, including her, but I know for some people, any attempt at an apology will feel empty and not genuine. I don’t hate anybody, and I don’t like the idea of others hating me. Is that petty? I want to take all the good parts of my lost relationships and ignore the bad parts because the good parts gave me emotions I always love to remember and feel again. And the bad parts make me feel bad, and I think that’s why I want to apologize, so I don’t have to feel like that anymore. Now I do think that’s petty because life doesn’t work that way. I gotta live with my actions and own them, and that’s just a part of life I have to live with and accept.
And that sucks.