Lost

I’m still here. No fire yet. I’m a handful of computers away from completing my Windows 8 upgrade at school. I was hoping to finish by this week, and it looks like I will be. That’s good news. Today was also payday, and it’s always good when I have money and I budget it for the next few weeks. Budgeting money makes me happy. Spending budgeted money makes me happy. Spending unbudgeted money doesn’t, and I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. The stuff I bought, though, has made me happy, so you win some, you lose some. My pair of $300 headphones are breaking, and I don’t feel anything about that. Nothing lasts forever. I made spaghetti today. It was not Paleo and not healthy. It was organic, though. I made it with ground turkey. I’m sure it wasn’t that bad nutrition-wise, but I’m not the same person I was a few months ago. I’ve lost who I am. I’m making it all up as I go along. No plans, no goals. I’m in stasis, and I’m sad but also unfeeling most of the time. It’s the feeling of loss that I’m feeling the most. I’m just watching time pass by. My only purpose is going to work and making money. Nobody knows what I do there, and nobody seems to care. As long as shit works, and shit’s gonna be working great, but no one will know until the fall. I wanna go firefighting. I have to change the pillow cases to my pillows if I want to bring them with me. They’re nice pillow cases, and I have a crappier set that I’ve had since freshman year of college. I graduated college over seven years ago. That’s a long time ago. I barely remember high school, and I miss my college friends. I had a friend there I met at one of my jobs, and we were great friends for a few years until she told me she couldn’t be my friend anymore, and we haven’t been. The only thing I did was that I texted her while she had a boyfriend, and the boyfriend was jealous or something. History repeats itself. I can’t seem to stop it or learn my lessons. Now I’m just waiting for life to happen to me. That drive — that fire — I used to have is dormant somewhere. I feel like a robot. A stupid robot that goes against its programming because it doesn’t know any better. It’s the first day of July. I have a few more months of this, if I make it during fire season. I wonder what my first fire will be this year. I hope it’s a good one. A long one. I need a change. I need something different.