In order to distract myself from the hardships of life, I spent today rearranging my home in preparation for my new couch. I’m driving to Missoula tomorrow to pick it up from some guy I met through Craigslist. I bought two new posters and two poster frames to fill out my walls a little bit, and I’m in the middle of curating a selection of photos I’m going to print using Fracture. I really like what I have right now, and I’m really excited to try out my new ideas. I’m getting a couch! It’s going to really make my home feel like a home.
I’m not going anywhere. I need my home to be as comfortable as possible because I’m resigned to the fact that I don’t deserve anyone right now. I’m one of those people who just isn’t supposed to be with anyone, and at the moment, I’m okay with that. It is what it is, and I’m going to learn to live with it for now. I don’t know how long this will last, but at the moment, it feels indefinite.
Maybe one day I’ll write all the shit that I’ve purposely not written about on here, but that day hasn’t come yet. I’m still processing it all. I don’t know if I’m going firefighting this year. I honestly just feel lost, but I can’t delve any deeper than that because I simply don’t know what’s going on or what exactly I’m feeling.
I don’t think I’m a good person. I feel that but I don’t think that’s true. Good is the wrong word. I think I’m supposed to be alone. Sure, I’ll always have friends and family, but I’m always going to feel alone. That makes me feel bitter and angry and accepting of it all. Like I deserve it for some reason. I think I do deserve it. I’m not healthy.
I’m sad and tired and lost and a dozen more emotions. I drank a full bottle of wine last night and I passed out early. Then I woke up about three hours later, at around midnight, and I didn’t go back to sleep. I took an hour nap but I’ve been running on about four hours of sleep for the past 37 hours. I’m tired and done.