Missoula

I’m 76% of the way through my year. I have three more months of this, just through the summer, and I’m done. If I didn’t have this nightly ritual right now, I don’t know if this project of mine would have taught me anything or solidified any good habits to last a lifetime. The summer makes me lazy. It’s summer, it’s hot, and all I want to do is laze around. In the last two weeks, I think I’ve only worked out once. I haven’t written since finishing my novel weeks ago, and I spend most of my time in bed watching TV. The one thing I’m most looking forward to this week is going back to the bookstore in Missoula and buying more books I won’t get around to reading for months, maybe years.

I’m not bitching or anything. It is what it is, and I’m doing it by my own volition. I’m consciously not working out or writing because I don’t want to. Not really. I’m living with my new system and trying to see how it works and how it feels, and so far, it’s going okay. I don’t know if I should be any harder on myself, but since I was so hard for months, I’m going to relax and let myself be who I want to be right now.

I do want to do things, though, and these things have been occupying my thoughts lately. I want to go outside, sit by a tree somewhere, and read for a few hours. Maybe even get a tan in the process. I want to work out in the mornings, but I want to find or design a workout that doesn’t last too long and will keep me in semi-good shape until I feel the need to work out harder. And I want to write fiction, but not that much. I feel the need to read more and just try to become a better reader. I’ve always felt my skill as a reader was lacking, and the only way to get better is by doing it.

And, obviously, I want to hang out with people, even if just once a week. I simply miss talking to someone. Talking intimately, getting to know someone, telling them about me and learning more about them. I miss that. I miss inside jokes and adorable quirks and making each other laugh by simply making a stupid face. That mostly sounds like a girlfriend, and I think that’s very true. I need a girlfriend.

I have a quarter of a year left and I want to really make that time count. I don’t know how or what I’ll do, but I’ll try to figure it out. Maybe it starts with Missoula.