Mario Villalobos

Surprised I’m Still Awake

My eyelids are heavy and my vision is blurry because I’m tired and I’ve been drinking too much Pinot Noir this evening. I don’t know what to write about because nothing eventful happened today. I’ve been on this path of regression for a few months now, and nothing seems new or eventful anymore. Gluttony and laziness are my new normal, and my old routines seem so far away and mythical right now. I don’t even want to go back to that life. I want a different life. I want to be different. I want to be happier.

I’m unhappy, if you couldn’t tell, and it’s not caused my one thing. It’s a combination of things, some my doing, and others my doing, too. It’s all on me, and that’s just an added pressure I don’t need right now. I’m mostly unhappy because it’s Friday night and I have no one to hang out with, and I really want to hang out with somebody tonight. I don’t want to drink alone even though that’s what I’ve been doing for the past month or so. I need to not drink alone and instead with other people. That won’t happen soon, unfortunately, and meh. That’s what I think about it: meh.

I’m motivated to change my life, and I’m slowly doing what I can to change it. I know it’s out there, and I can taste it, but since I’m not there yet, it’s frustrating me. I’m really surprised I’m writing right now considering how tired and drunk I am right now. I’m listening to Depeche Mode, and I really like it, and I’m looking at my progress bar in Ulysses and it’s not yet green so I have to keep writing. I want to be more spontaneous, but not too spontaneous. I need to get out of my house more. I’m passing out in bed after drinking too much red wine by myself and that fact alone saddens me.

I bought books a few days ago and now they’re here and I’m excited to start reading them. I want to start reading more, that’s why I’m cutting my time on the internet reading trivial shit down to a minimum. Today was the first day without my usual news “fix,” and I was bored. All my tics were left unsatisfied, and I had to try to read, and I did a little bit, but I didn’t for most of them. It’s only day one, so I have more time to figure this out. Maybe it’ll work in the long run! I really would like to have that time to read books instead of trivial shit.

I’m going to have this weekend to myself, and it’s going to be fun and relaxing and maybe I’ll go to Missoula and buy some books at some bookstores and socks at Target and maybe I’ll find some places to hang out in in later weekends. I really need some friends, and I need to date, and I need to not be so alone anymore. Wish me luck, yeah?