I’m slowly settling down into my new routine, and I’m enjoying it, mostly because of the weather. There’s something about sunny days where it makes me relax more than work; whereas winter makes me want to settle down and get to work. I’ve never been one to take much stock in the seasons, but I’ve recently noticed how they have affected me during the past few years and I find that fascinating. I think that’s mostly a sign of my navel-gazing ignoring everything outside of myself, and that’s one of the biggest issues I’m trying to see how to change. I’m not too sure how to change that or even just improve it, but that’s all part of the journey.
I need something to fight for, and I think I create an imaginary world of sorts in my head where I have something to fight for. The only problem is that it’s not real, and since it’s not real, it’s fragile. When it inevitable breaks and falls apart, I lose that thing that kept me going. When I first started this blog, my main motivation to keep going was the hope that one day she would come back into my life, and I could show her how much I’ve changed. That never happened, but I was able to replace her with someone else. Unfortunately, that someone else wasn’t a wise choice, so I’ve moved on from that idea. Now I don’t have anyone to pretend to fight for. Now that I’ve written all this out, I feel like doing what I can to move away from some external source, especially if it’s a girl, and try to find my own internal reasons to fight.
I’m going to repeat myself because I need to reiterate these things to myself again. I’m fighting for a writer’s life, where I earn my living writing stories. That’s what I want to do, that’s what I think I’m good at, and that’s what I need to fight for, for that life. I’m also fighting for a healthy lifestyle. I’ve sung the praises for how working out makes me feel really good, and that hasn’t changed. What I’ve always struggled with is eating well, and that’s something I want to fight harder for. Unfortunately, none of these things are earning me any money. I do have a good job that pays me well, and I love the groove and responsibility I have at work, but it’s not work I truly love. I want to fight for a life I love, and sometimes that life seems far away and other times it feels within my grasp. It’s like waves crashing onto shore and then receding back into ocean. It’s there and then it’s not.
We all know this isn’t easy, but we fight anyways because we have to. We must fight because we know that if we don’t fight, we might as well stop living. We fight because we love it. We love fighting for something, and even if we never get what we want, we will at least know that we fought for something. That, in the end, is all that matters.