Mario Villalobos

Rediscovering Myself

I worked out for the first time since Thursday, and I feel fantastic. I can’t believe I don’t do this when I’m feeling low. I understand that when I’m sad I don’t want to do anything, but if I just stand my ass up and hit play to some Insanity, my world will be much brighter. It’s ridiculous how effective physical activity is on my mood, but it is and I have to remember that. I started over yesterday, but in truth, today was really the day I started over because I didn’t work out yesterday. I mentioned yesterday my three big rocks: writing in the morning, working out in the afternoon, and blogging at night. I like the simplicity of that, so I’m going to keep this to structure my days for the foreseeable future.

I need to not get burned out anymore. I’m not sure how to do that while still being productive and living a fulfilling life, but it is something I want and need to figure out. I love what I’m doing now, which is simplifying my days and letting myself drink and play video games every now and then. I started Batman: Arkham City today, and I’m having so much fun playing it. I feel relaxed and not as guilty as I felt yesterday. Again, as long as I do my three big rocks, I’m happy. I have had to temporarily postpone some of my old habits, such as transcribing A Farewell to Arms, writing my novel in the afternoon, and journalling in my Confidant notebook. I think I’m going to slowly start adding some of these back into my routine, but I don’t think I can add all of them. I don’t know if I want to write in the afternoons anymore, especially since I’m so close to finishing my novel. It’ll take me a twice as longer now to finish it, but once I do, I would have had to rethink this habit anyway. I do feel guilty about not writing in the afternoon, though.

One thing I wanted to focus on was how I felt about things, like feeling guilty yesterday about not working out and feeling guilty now about not writing in the afternoons. My body is telling me that I should write in the afternoons. I did have that urge to do that today, but I wanted to work out first because I felt that to be more important. I will see how I feel tomorrow after work. All the other dropped tasks don’t make me feel guilty, so those were adding to my burn out, I think. I’m rediscovering myself, in a way, and it’s fun.

I learned a lot about myself the past eight months, and I crashed and burned. Now I’m picking up the pieces and seeing what worked and what didn’t work, and I’m putting it back together in a way that hopefully works out in the long run. This is all an experiment, one I’m glad I’m doing. So, it’s back to basics. I have to take it one day at a time and adjust when necessary. Lets keep those feet moving.