Fight to Win

I went to my niece’s 3rd birthday party today, and I had a lot of fun. I drank for the first time in 237 days, and I really really enjoyed it. Maybe a little too much. I missed it. Since it had been so long since I had a drink and since I barely had any food before drinking, it went straight to my head really quickly. Now I’m thinking of going to the grocery store tomorrow or sometime this week and buying red wine and drinking it after work like I used to when I worked at McDonald’s. But then I remember why I wanted to stop drinking. When I drink, I don’t want to do anything, and I have too much to do to feel that way. Maybe I need a break… I turn 29 in one week after all.

I wasted this weekend… again. I didn’t transcribe any pages today for the first time since I started transcribing A Farewell to Arms. Instead, I finished watching the last season of Sons of Anarchy on Netflix. I didn’t do any tasks from my todo list, and I’ve been in bed since I got home from the birthday party. I talked to my friend for about an hour, which was super cathartic and more necessary than I thought, and I felt better afterward. This next week will be better than this last week, I think… I hope.

I’m back to where I never wanted to be again. I’m better, though, than I was back then, but I tried so hard not to be here to find out. I really don’t want to do anything right now. I don’t want to write — hell, I don’t want to be beholden to a daily entry anymore. I don’t care if I don’t make it to 365 daily entries. I want to skip one day, just like I broke my no alcohol streak, just to feel relaxed and more free to do what I want to do.

Montana has been shitty to me since I’ve been here. Sure, I have the best job I’ve ever had in my life and I have done three amazing fire seasons, but I don’t know how better off I am. I think I’m doomed to live a tragic life regardless of where I live. It’s my destiny. So I don’t know how better off I’ll be in grad school; I need to reconcile myself with myself. This is just who I am, and it’s stupid to try to change.

Maybe I needed to crash. Maybe I need to tear myself apart before I can start putting myself back together. Maybe I need to keep getting stronger. I’m definitely better off now than I was 238 days ago, no matter how similar or how bad it hurts. This cycle is part of who I am, I think, and I’m just living through the worst part now. I’ll get better soon enough. I just have to keep fighting, and I have to fight to win.