The Whole Body of Things

I’ve discovered that the weekends are the worst time for me to spend alone. I need to go out and do something, whether alone or with people. I just can’t stay at home while I’m alone or else I get really nostalgic because I’m lonely and have all this time on my hand to think. Unless I’m super motivated to simply work (which hasn’t been the case for a few weekends now), I shouldn’t be alone. I have no plans to change this any time soon. I simply thought I should get that out there to see what the universe decides to do with me.

School ends in about five weeks. I’ve yet to sign up for this coming fire season, but I’ll be doing that sometime next week. I have summer plans for work, stuff like upgrading every machine to Windows 8 and cleaning up the wires from all our switches. And I’m also planning to try my shot at spending the summer with the cute girl from work. I’ve decided to just try and see what happens. She might even say no so all this “should I or shouldn’t I” could be moot. The universe loves to play jokes on me.

I turn 29 in a few weeks, and I still have no clue what I’m doing. Some people might think I have my shit together, that I’m super organized and super responsible, but I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, at least with the stuff that really matters. Woop-de-do, I have a well-organized todo list. What has that gotten me, though? I’m still alone, and no todo list or app will ever help me find fulfillment. That comes with work and living life. I haven’t lived, at least not the way I want to. In a year and two weeks I’ll be turning 30, three decades on earth with what to show for it? This blog? Please.

I want to fly. I want to run as fast as I can and jump off a cliff. I want to backflip off a flying plane and fly. I want to swim with sharks. I want to parachute into a fucking forrest fire. And I want to find someone who loves me and wants to do all those things with me. Hell, I want to do all these things because she forced me to do them. I don’t want to live like a turtle, hiding inside my shell while the world moves rapidly right outside. I used to be so scared to smile at a pretty girl, and now that’s all I seem to do. That’s good progress. Now I just need to ask for dates.

About a month ago I started shaving my chest and stomach, and today I bought my first razor in years. I look amazing, at least to me. I decided to redo Insanity Max: 30 once I finish this round of Insanity next week. I don’t want to stop. I want to get stronger. I want to go to the lake and swim with my shirt off proudly. Maybe the universe will shine brightly on me this summer. All I gotta do is show up.