Sometimes I have imaginary conversations in my head that I may or may not act out in real life.1 One recent conversation has been with a female stereotype of sorts. She’s not real but instead represents some future female I’d talk to or something. Somebody like the cute 18 year old from school. In this conversation, for some reason, I talk about my feelings, because that’s what I think about, my feelings. I told her that I feel things extremely, in that if I’m angry, I have to experience and sense the whole spectrum of anger. If I’m in love, I have to passionately express my feelings of love. Some people may say I’m just passionate, and I’d agree. But I do think it’s more than that, though.
For the past few days, I’ve been writing a lot about photography, and hey, I’m still really interested in it, so I don’t think this is some fad I’ve fallen into this week. I love expressing myself, and I really think and believe photography is a great outlet for me to do that that’s different from writing. I’m still telling stories, which I love, but it’s with a single image. It’s a tough challenge to tell an interesting story with a photograph, but it’s something I really want to explore and get better at. I love the idea of telling stories differently.
I used to believe that all humans are the same. That we all felt the same and saw the world in the same way. For a long time I thought and believed that. Then I grew up. That’s so far from the truth that I have to laugh at myself for ever thinking that. But part of that experience has stuck around, to the point where I think it’s redundant to talk about my feelings because everyone feels the same way. I had to write this little preface because I don’t know if everyone feels their emotions as extremely as I do or even if what I think is extreme is normal to everyone else. I don’t think that’s true, though, but I don’t know. I really believe that artists become artists because they feel their emotions more passionately than everyone else, and that’s why they become artists, to use their art to express their overflowing emotions.
I love very deeply, and I hurt very painfully, and I get angry very dangerously. I think a big reason why I’ve latched on to meditation so much, especially on this journey I started 228 days ago, is because I know I need to take control of my emotions. I need to be more selective on how I express them, especially when it comes to people. I’ve scared people away with how deeply I feel things2, and I don’t want to be alone anymore, so I don’t want to scare anyone away, so I have to change this part of myself, I think.
I know I should love myself for who I am and be who I am and all that, but sometimes we have to check ourselves and reign ourselves back a bit to live in the society we’ve chosen to call home. Who knows, though. Maybe I should just be who I want to be, express myself as deeply and passionately as I want to, and I’d only scare away the people who were only getting in my way from finding the people I should be with.
I do. ↩︎
I know because they’ve told me. ↩︎