Guilty

I spent the majority of the day watching Daredevil on Netflix, and it’s so good that I almost succumbed to my desire not to do any work today. That feeling was so strong and so familiar that it scared me a little bit. I hadn’t felt that in a long time, and I thought I grew stronger than that during this journey. I was wrong, and now I have to think about my discipline again. Truthfully, I really want to finish writing this entry so I can squeeze in one more episode of the show before I grow tired and fall asleep. I even switched things up a bit tonight and finished the rest of my nightly routine, leaving me with just this entry to write.

Part of me is glad that I gave myself the entire day to watch a very good television show. The other part of me, though, the part of me that knows I should be more focused and disciplined than that, isn’t glad. I should’ve read more, should’ve written more, and shouldn’t of eaten so much. I ate a lot today. I tend to eat a lot when I watch a lot of television, and that’s a big reason why I wanted to watch less TV. I’m still working out as hard as usual, and for the most part, I’m eating well, so I shouldn’t be that afraid of eating a few too many bagels one day out of the week. My mind might actually need it more than it thinks it does.

I’m almost done with my novel, but I think I finally cracked a few storylines that have been giving me issues since the beginning. I’m very ready for the rewrite because I know the changes I want to make, and I know what I need to do to make the whole story better. But I want to finish it first. I don’t want to go back and start over, in a sense. I need to keep moving forward until I reach the end. Then I can work on revising it.

I don’t know if I’m good enough to get into graduate school. I have my doubts, and unfortunately, my doubts are overcoming my other emotions. I know I have a fighting chance to get into a good school if I only tried, but my doubts are slowly convincing me that I shouldn’t even try. I don’t like feeling that way, but I also didn’t do any work today to overcome my doubts. Instead, I drowned myself in television and didn’t do much thinking about myself. I entered the world of Hell’s Kitchen and forgot about my own for a good eight hours.

This isn’t who I want to be, is it? I know how hard that sounds. I should let myself have some fun every now and then. I know that. But I’m also on a mission to spend as much of my time writing and reading and improving myself in all possible ways. Why do I feel so guilty for watching television? I shouldn’t be.

I am, though.