I need to sleep. I’m exhausted, and I’m pushing myself a little too hard. I’m excited that I have a lot of energy to do a lot of things, and I’m grateful that I’ve been having so many ideas on various things recently, but god fucking dammit I’m tired. I’m sore because the Asylum hybrid workout is no joke, and it’s kicking my ass. Physically, I’m in shape to do them; mentally, though, I’m somewhere else. It feels like I’m drugged, and I’m not acting like myself. It’s a frustrating feeling, and this is going to feel like a frustrating entry to read.
I’m pressuring myself to do more than I can realistically do. There are so many things I wan to do, and I’m trying to fit them all into a 24 hour period, and that’s impossible. I’ve been trying to slow down, and it works for like a day, but then I find the energy to do something else or come up with an idea to do something else and I’m back to where I was. It feels like I’m in a race, and I have to go as fast as possible to win. But I don’t know who I’m going up against or know what the prize is if I win. Does winning even apply here? I don’t win; I’ll never win. I’ll still be working up until the day I die. Then I guess I’ll finally get my sleep.
All I want to do is create and consume, create and consume, create and consume. I want to write my novel, write a journal about my novel, write a journal about my personal personal life, write a journal about the things I’m grateful, write a blog entry about how I’m trying to be better than I was 186 days ago, trying to start a drawing habit, trying to keep an analog commonplace book, trying to read a book a week, trying to keep up to date on the news of the world, trying to read my current and past comic books, trying to organize my digital information, from photos to text files to miscellaneous other data, trying to become as physically fit as I possibly can, trying to eat as healthily as I can, trying to meditate 15 minutes every day and be as centered as I possibly can, and I’m trying to do all of this while also getting sleep. There’s more, I’m sure of it, but this was all I could think of at the moment.
I’m also trying to find someone. This week, for some reason, I’ve been playing Sufjan Stevens on repeat. There’s a song he has called Arnika from his All Delighted People EP. There’s a lyric in there that gets me:
I’m tired of life; I’m tired of waiting for someone.
I’m tired. I need to take better care of myself and have some fun. I want to drink again. Some Pinot Noir. That was my favorite wine. I want to have dinner with friends. I want to have a long chat with a good friend. The simple things. I need to find time for that stuff in my life. It doesn’t matter if I create everything I’ve ever wanted; it doesn’t matter to me if I’m not happy. And right now? I don’t know if I’m happy. All I know is that I’m tired, and I’m going to bed.