Mario Villalobos

Not Sure How to Push Myself

I think those of you who have kept up with this blog for the past 185 days know me more than you’d ever thought you would. And if you have kept up for 185 days, then I’m glad I haven’t alienated or bored you. This blog started off as an experiment, turned into a necessary space for me to grow and improve, and now I’m not sure what it’s turning into. For the past few weeks, I’ve been writing a lot about technology, but I don’t want to write about that on a daily basis, especially when I have other things in my life that I would like to write about. I’m also gestating a lot of different ideas for posts in the future that involve technology, but those will be posted intermittently and not regularly. Recently, I started to journal in my classic Moleskine pocket notebook, and that’s become an outlet for my more rawer emotions. That really has taken a subject matter away from this blog, which is what I wanted.

I wanted to write more about things I don’t usually write about. Honestly, not for an audience but for myself. I wanted to push myself and explore new boundaries. But when I do so many things during the day, and I do want to go to bed at a reasonable hour, I don’t have the time to really spend thinking and researching and exploring these new areas I’m interested in. I don’t want to list excuses, even though that’s just what I did, but I’m bemoaning the fact that there just aren’t enough hours in the day. I even try to do personal projects while I’m at work, which isn’t wise or responsible, but I’ve been trying to wring out as much time as I possibly can on things I want to get done.

Yesterday, for example, I explored my desire to start an analog commonplace book. I came up with some more ideas about it today that excited me tremendously, but that’s just one more thing I want to add to my overflowing task list. And knowing me, once I commit to this and I buy the right notebook and I find the right workflow, I’m going to start writing in it immediately. I’ll push someone off of my list and it’ll be left undone and unchecked for however long it’ll take me to setup this commonplace book. At the back of my mind, I will think about that unfinished task, and that’ll eat at me, slowly but tenaciously, making me feel guilty and anxious until I figure out a way to do that plus my commonplace book plus every other task, habit, and routine already filling up my schedule that I’m going to burn myself out.

It’s one thing being productive, it’s entirely another thing being meaningfully productive. What should I be focusing on? How do I ensure I’m doing meaningful work and not work disguising itself as meaningful? How can I be wise enough to know the difference? I don’t know.