Breaking It Down

So I made no progress on my plans from yesterday to be better today. My routine is stuck, and I need to muster up more strength to unstick it. I’m not sure how to do that other than having the willpower to do it. Right now, I don’t have the willpower because I’m already doing a lot. I still have my routines in the morning and at night, I still workout every day, and I work 40 hours a week. Like I wrote yesterday, I really only have three hours to play around with, and right now, I’m spending most of them watching TV, and I enjoy it. Three hours is a lot, especially if I decide to implement one, maybe two, more things to do in that time frame. I can do more work with my novel or learn a new skill or finish many tasks on my todo list. The problem, like I said, is finding the willpower, but my willpower is finite and I’m afraid I’m already spending it all.

I’m thinking a lot about my schedule. My daily schedule. I’ve been thinking about breaking down my day, down to the minute, on my calendar. I want to know where the “dead spots” are. What I can cut, where I can add, and when’s the best time for me to use these three hours to the best of my abilities. I haven’t done it yet, but I plan to. I really have no idea. I can sense what my day looks like since they don’t really change. But if I’m trying to go to sleep my 8:30 every night — in order to get 8.5 hours of sleep a night — then my time is super valuable and scarce. And I have to figure out how much TV, if any, I’ll allow myself to watch a day. Any show will eat into my three hours, so that’s something to consider.

Why am I trying to do this? To optimize my days down to the minute? I don’t think I’m going to live by my schedule, but I am curious to see what a typical day looks like on a calendar. To feel the rhythms and see where it might be the best place for me to start implementing these new time blocks of productivity. Maybe it’s anal. I don’t care. I’m curious, and now I’m committed. But, if I’m being honest, I don’t feel like I’m doing enough, like I’m failing myself. I made a promise to myself on Day 1, and I don’t know if I’m living up to my expectations. Part of me doesn’t like writing these entries online anymore and misses the intimacy of a paper journal. The other part of me knows my entries won’t be half as good as the ones here. I simply want to keep improving, to keep doing my best to be my best. It’s hard, and sometimes I feel like quitting, but I have a drive to just keep going. To keep moving my feet.

And that’s something that’ll never not be a part of me.