Choices

My life is dictated by choices, those I’ve made and those made by others. Because I believe in free will, I have the power to choose which choices I make, including those made by others. The way I react is, in a sense, a choice. I can react positively, negatively, or somewhere in between. The life I want to live is my choice, and who I choose to be right now is a choice. The fact that I’m writing this entry right now was a choice I made. Habits help make these choices easier, and if these habits are trained to be good and beneficial, then that was a choice. I wanted a certain outcome, so I decided to do what I needed to do to get that outcome. The more automatic I can make a lot of my choices, the better off I’ll be, especially if many of those choices are the best and most beneficial for me.

But sometimes I still make bad choices. Somewhere along the way, I made a choice that damaged my car. I’m not sure where — maybe it was the moment I decided to drive to California, or even to the moment I decided to buy the car in the first place — but I made it. I made the choice to have the dealer help me out, and today he finally did. We were supposed to meet in the morning, but he was running late, and I had to go to work, so I left without having the meeting. About 20 minutes into my shift, he dropped by my office with the loaner car I was to borrow while he worked on my car. That. Was. Incredible. When I saw him at my office, my jaw must’ve dropped all the way to the floor because he was someone I never expected to see in my office. After work, I drove back to the dealership and discovered the mechanic was stumped as to what could be the problem. They ordered a new part that won’t come until Monday, so I’m out of a car until then. I was questioning my choice of dealer before today, but after, I felt better about it. Who would drive to my job just to try to fix my car?

Another bad choice I’ve made concerns her. I fucked up, and I lost a friend. I made the choice of emailing her this week after four months of no contact, and she hasn’t replied. I then made the choice of texting one of her co-workers, and one of my friends, to tell her that I emailed her. I won’t hear back — if I even hear back — for another few days, so there’s another thing I’m waiting on. I also gave in and bought my comforter. I mostly bought it for aesthetic reasons, but I know it’s going to keep me super warm and super comfy. I was just tired of making my bed with three blankets that don’t amount to much individually. I also received my very nice and very beautiful cotton sheets this week, and they’re so soft and comfortable that they needed a nice comforter to go with it. I thought it was okay for me to buy it since my paycheck this week was much, much higher than I thought it was going to be because I had more paid vacation hours than I thought I had. I’m loving this job more and more.

I chose not to workout this week because of my health. I think that was a good idea, but I didn’t realize how much I’d miss working out. I enjoy the extra time not working out has given me, but I missed feeling good and tired and energized and everything else working out made me feel. I am feeling better health-wise, so I’m confident I’ll be back to my normal routine on Monday. I hope I choose to workout even harder than before and feel even better.

I’m in charge of my life. The choices I make defines who I am, and I’m the only one who can make those choices. I hope to learn more about myself to inform my decision-making abilities a lot more than ever before so I can have the best year I possibly can. That’s one goal I’m making toward building the house I want.