Mario Villalobos

Still Hard on Myself

I decided to take the week off from working out to recoup and recover. I did not get any better today, and in fact, I think I got a little bit worse. I went to work and I had to move around a lot, which fatigued my body. Once I got home, things just got worse. Everything hurt. I was achy, tired, irritable, and a host of other negative emotions. I was minutes away from working out — I launched the videos on my computer and everything — but once I stood up from my bed, I fell back down and decided I should rest. It sucks because I just started this new Insanity workout last week, and now I have to postpone it for a bit. I’m thinking of starting over next week, so I know that I could the workout properly — the way it was designed. I’ldal think about that tomorrow, though.

It’s hard to write 500 words when I know I just want to go to sleep and rest. Does it even matter if I don’t reach my self-created word count? I think it does, if only for my own pride. I don’t like that I didn’t write 500 words consistently when I went to California. It’s like this thorn on my record, and it feels like I failed myself. I think that’s my sickness talking, but it’s what I’m feeling now. Co-workers at work told me that my body was just not used to all the germs at the school, and that it’ll take time for my immune system adapt. Others told me that my trip from California really screwed me up, and I’m just now paying the price. I don’t know about any of that. I think I got sick because I worked out all week with my shirt off when it was like 10 degrees inside my house. I woke up Saturday morning really cold, and I think that might have had something to do with it. I don’t know.

Needless to say, I didn’t do anything today that’s noteworthy, except, I guess, for the usual suspects. I wrote my words for my novel and the rest of my morning routine, I read a bit from my book and accomplished the rest of my nightly routine. Now I just want to sleep. I haven’t been going back and re-reading and revising my entries for what seems like a few weeks, which tells me I’m just regurgitating these entries out and not spending my time with them like I used to. These entries used to take me a good hour to write and complete. Now it’s taking me like 15-20 minutes, if that. I’m cheating myself from improving all because I want to sleep or I want to watch some TV or some other mindless task. That needs to change. I don’t like that I’m doing that.

God, it seems like I’m more hard on myself when I’m sick than when I’m not. Relax, dude!