One of my favorite snacks that I just recently started making is to take a banana, remove the entire peel, and drizzle honey on top of it. It’s so good, and it feels like an indulgence, but since it’s essentially healthy for me, I didn’t feel guilty after eating two of them tonight. Another one of my favorite snacks is homemade popcorn. Since I don’t own a microwave — nor do I ever plan to own one — I buy the stovetop type. It tastes better than the microwave kind, I think. Another one of my indulgences is my love for hot sauce. I love Tapatio and Sriracha, and I put them on everything. Before a few months ago, my fridge wouldn’t be caught near harboring these two hot sauces, nor would my pantry ever harbor popcorn. I would have felt too guilty if I let myself indulge in these simple pleasures. Now I don’t, though, and I’m wondering what’s changed.
I can’t be perfect, and I can’t pretend I’ll ever get there. Hell, I don’t want to be, even though that is what I used to feel. I would feel like I broke some promise with myself if I let myself indulge in something that wasn’t healthy and nutritious. I’m happier, though, with these indulgences, and I think I need to allow myself that sometimes. If I’m laser focused 100% of the time, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, then I’m eventually going to crack much sooner than later than if I cut myself some slack and let myself break some rules and have some fun.
Today I could’ve read for maybe an hour longer than I did, and I could’ve transcribed more pages from the Great Gatsby, and I could’ve focused on maybe one or two more difficult tasks on my todo list, but I didn’t. I popped some popcorn, grabbed my laptop, lied down on my bed, and watched some TV. I had a good day at work, I had a 30 minute stretching workout for Insanity, I read for maybe 15 minutes, and I didn’t transcribe any page of the Great Gatsby because I wanted to relax. It’s Friday. I get to sleep in tomorrow. I have my snacks, my free time, and my night all to myself. Why not celebrate a great week with some fun?
At least that’s what I’m telling myself today. Tomorrow I could feel guilty and push myself harder to make up for the failures of today. It’s happened before, and I’m confident it’ll happen again. How can I let myself let go of that? Why can’t I just be sometimes? Maybe this is one of those things I need to focus on as part of my journey to get better. Maybe I get to be better by letting myself have days like today, where I can relax, regroup, and refocus my energies on another day. Maybe I need days like today so I can just breathe, not realize it’s been exactly 90 days since I last talked to her1, and instead spend some time with some fictional people and indulge on other people’s problems and their attempts to make their lives better.
Or maybe I’m deluding myself and just being lazy because I wanted to be lazy today. It could be as simple as that.
She doesn’t even seem real anymore. It’s like I’ve woken up from a dream, and I only remember bits and pieces of it, and my only recollection of it is that feeling of knowing I had a dream but not remembering what it was about. ↩︎