I Don't Know

I’m lying in bed, utterly and completely exhausted. My body aches everywhere, and my mind wants me to fall asleep and rest. I can’t, and I want to cry. I have to write, I tell myself. I made a promise to myself, and I have to follow through on my word. Today, if you can’t tell from the URL, is day 80. I’ve written 80 god damn entries, and I don’t feel like I’ve done anything in them.

My performance during today’s workout was pathetic. I had to do Gameday, which is 60 minutes of pure Insanity. I’m really not joking there. That was just the beginning. Right after, I had to do Overtime, which is 13 minutes of full body strength, cardio, and plyometric workouts, as well as some more Insanity. I had to do this one twice, which meant I had a total of 86 minutes of working out, but it took me much longer than that since I took 5-10 minute breaks in between. Usually I’m pretty good about keeping up with Shaun T, but today I couldn’t. Today I was not feeling anything. I wanted to quit after the first 20 minutes of Gameday. My mind was just not in it.

Discipline and focus are a pair of words I always tend to repeat to myself, ever since I was younger. It’s one of those things where I knew if I was better at either one of them, my life would improve to the level I thought I wanted for myself. I was not focused today, but I was disciplined. I worked out for 86 minutes, but I didn’t push myself the way I know I am capable of. A lot had been weighing on my mind during the workout, and every few minutes it would hit me hard and stop me from working. I tried to push through, and when I tried, I had to almost scream to get my body moving. I clenched my teeth so very tight, and I could feel my face shake with emotion. It took everything I had to finish, like it’s taking everything I have to write this instead of falling asleep.

I don’t know what I’m doing. Is this even worth it? What am I doing? I’m screaming that inside to myself, and I don’t know. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and all I’m thinking about is fitting in my workout beforehand, as well as more of my other tasks. Why can’t I slow down and have some fun? I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m doing.