It was a very, very lazy day today. I spent most of it watching the entire Batman trilogy. I didn’t plan to do this today, but I did, and I’m oddly okay with it. I think that I need to spend my days like this sometimes so I don’t run the risk of burning out. And I bought the entire trilogy months ago on iTunes and have been meaning to watch it for a long time. For some reason, as I watched one movie after another, I felt silly watching this serious interpretation of a man who wears a bat mask beating people up. One of my favorite shows right now is the Flash on the CW because of how it embraces its out-of-this-world source material. I mean, a man can run super fast because of a lightning strike and some chemicals. It’s a silly premise, but I guess that’s not the point, right? I love watching this guy run super fast and exploring the possibilities his super power affords because Barry Allen is a great character who embraces his circumstances with humor1. I love Batman, too, but that sense of fun was lost in Nolan’s interpretation of the character, I think. And it took me, what, 9 years since the first movie to realize that?
I love superheroes because of their desire to transcend themselves for a greater good. I, like most of the world, love Batman because he doesn’t have any super powers. He became great by wanting it so much he devoted his life to the entire process. One of my role models is Leonardo da Vinci because he loved working. His insatiable curiosity inspired me at such an early age, and I really wanted to be a lot like him. I started carrying a journal around everywhere since middle school because of him. Neither Batman nor Leonardo stopped working and that’s super inspiring. Am I trying to make myself feel guilty for not taking advantage of today? Not at all. Today is Day 70, and I’ve accomplished a lot. One slow day won’t ruin anything; hell, it might make me stronger by having my body rest after yesterday’s brutal workout. And I can’t remember the last time I watched three movies in one day. As long as I’m happy, right?
Again, it’s been 70 days since my “crisis.” 70 days since that moment where I felt so guilty for my actions I needed an outlet to release it all. I imagine meeting these people again and thinking about what I’d say, if they let me say anything at all. An apology doesn’t seem enough, but it’s the only thing I can offer them. Another part of me doesn’t believe I should apologize, and that’s a part of me I want to stand behind. I know who I am, and I know what I’ve done. I made a mistake, and if I could apologize, I will. But they chose to no longer be a part of my life, so I’ve moved on. This whole blog has shown my process and how I chose to live my life after one of my darkest moments. I am who I am, but I’m always improving, always working toward becoming someone better than what I am now.
I may feel alone in this journey right now, but I know I won’t be forever. Anyone who doesn’t care about this can go fuck themselves. I don’t need them. I’m happy with where I am right now and with the progress I’ve made and am making. I can’t wait until day 365. My Year One will be complete, and I can see what I did right, what I did wrong, and where I can improve. And I’ll have it all down on a blog the whole world can see. How great is that?
Should there be a comma in here? Fuck off, grammar nazis. ↩︎