Reflection

Reflection, true, personal, and daily reflection, is tough. It involves looking inward at a remarkable depth, examining every fiber of my soul, every act, every thought, and every moment of my day. I try my hardest to be as honest and true to myself as possible, regardless if it makes me feel happy or sad, angry or pleased. I don’t know if I always succeed, but I’m sure I don’t. All I know is that I have to reflect on my day every day or else I risk living my life blindfolded. I want to see the world, both the good and the bad. That’s the only way I know how to truly live.

I miss my friend. She was on my mind a lot today because I saw her picture tacked to the wall of one of her former teacher’s classrooms. I asked the teacher if she knew her, and she said she loves her. That she’s awesome and a great girl. I told her that she was one of the first friends I ever made when I moved up here to Montana, which is true. What I didn’t tell her was that we were no longer friends, that she cut me out of her life a few months ago, and that I started this blog 46 days ago because I wanted to move on from her. I wanted so much today to talk to her, but I didn’t because I can’t. If she went so far as blocking me from her phone and from her Facebook, then I need to understand that she doesn’t want me to contact her in any way. It hurts, but it’s the truth.

I know days like this will pass, and I’ll continue on with the daily struggles and vagaries of life. That’s what’s exciting about living: every day is different, every moment is new, and every possibility is endless. I have to keep looking ahead at a future I can create and shape into whatever design I wish. Sadly, I expect to see her again. I believe this separation is temporary, and one day in the future, we will meet again. The sad truth is that I can make this a reality by forcing it to come true. I know I can’t do that, though. I know I can’t. That’s the wrong move to make, and it’ll destroy me if it goes even worse than what it is now.

All I know is that there’s a lot of women out there for me. I can’t keep dwelling on everything that happened between this girl and me, nor can I keep living in a future I wanted to create with her because it doesn’t exist. All I have to do is take that first step toward a better future. All i have to do is just start.