Flawed

One day, all this, all these things I’m doing every day, from writing to working out to eating right, will end. I know it is. I’m expecting it to end. I can’t keep it up forever, nor do I want to. I’m getting tired. Sometimes I want to sleep early, but because I have to do things I know I need to do, I don’t, so I pry open my heavy eyelids and push through the fatigue. So, part of my drive, especially recently, after all that excitement waned, has been to push myself as hard as possible so I can take a break at some future date and not regress that much, if at all.

By essentially making my journal public and writing it all on a blog, I intended to make this new exposure a catalyst toward forcing me to change, to keep me accountable to my actions in some form. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, and I’ve learned that that drive is stronger than my own internal drive that cares whether I disappoint myself or not. Call it a personality quirk. For so long I’ve kept many of these actions and methods to myself. Nobody cared if I worked out or didn’t work out today, my past self believed, because nobody knew I set that goal in the first place. Same thing with every other goal I’ve ever set for myself. It’s different now. No matter how much I want to quit — to go have that drink or to lie in bed all day and not do a damn thing — I feel responsible to this somewhat imaginary public I’m spewing my words onto. I know most of you guys reading this are friends or family, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that I’m opening up so much of myself to an essentially anonymous readership.

I gained 2.8 lbs in the last week. I’m 99% sure that most of that was muscle, but I still feel bad about it. I’m going up when my goal was to go down. I feel stronger, and I feel fitter than I have in a long time, but I don’t see that right now. I’ve always had body image issues, and now I see this bigger weight when I look at myself in the mirror. It’s ridiculous, I know it is, but it’s a genuine emotion I don’t know how to handle. Going back to pushing myself as hard as possible before I inevitably regress, I’m going to keep working out and drinking my protein powder enhanced shakes so my muscles can benefit with that pure influx of extra protein. My first check should be coming in on Wednesday. I can use that peace of mind to focus myself on bettering my diet because I know it’s not as good as it could be. I also want to buy stuff for my house because… this actually deserves a new paragraph.

I have no idea if I’ll ever see her again, but I big reason why I needed to start this blog and needed to start improving myself as much as I can is because if we ever saw each other again, I wanted to show her that I didn’t need her. I want to make her jealous. I want to look amazing, I want to be amazing, and I want to show her that I’ve moved on. Part of that means furnishing my stark home with some expensive items and some creativity. And that my new job is amazing, it pays way better, and I can actually afford some of these choices. It’s petty but oh so human.

And if I’m nothing else, I’m human, flaws and all.