Gone

I want to be different. Don’t get me wrong, I like who I am most of the time, even though there are things I really want to change about myself. I want to be different in the sense that I’m not like anyone else. I want to be my own man. My own person. I don’t care if I’m some famous guy that a lot of people know or if I die alone. I just want to live life my own way. If I want to keep a blog that I update daily and share that with a small group of friends on Facebook, so be it. If I didn’t, then I’d just be my old self with my old journal writing to no one but myself. There’s nothing at all inherently wrong with that, but I’ve found value in opening up to someone beyond myself.

Isn’t that the role she played? I guess so. I didn’t even think about that. Hmm…

I wish I had more friends here in town. Go out and meet new people! It’s hard. I’ve never been the type of person to go out on my own and just hit it off with random strangers. I’ve never been the type of person to join groups and learn some subject together, like cooking class or martial arts. I’d like to be, but I’m not. Someday? Maybe. And I’ve never been the type of person to go to a damn bar, pick up a chick, and take her home with me. Do you want that? Not really, but I want something.

What do you want?

That’s the question, isn’t it? I don’t know. Five years ago, I made a list of goals that I wanted to accomplish by the time I was 28. Out of the fifteen goals I listed, I can confidently say I’ve accomplished five of them. That’s a 33% success rate, but I haven’t been 28 for half a year yet, so things can still change. I still have time, except, some of those goals are outdated now. And the ones I accomplished where actually kind of easy, in retrospect. Underneath that list are five life goals, four of which relate to writing in some way. The fifth — travel the world — is incorporated into one of the ten goals I’ve failed to accomplish thus far in my 28th year. Is traveling the world something I want? It’ll be fun, but I don’t know how much that’ll actually change me as a person. At least, forever.

At the moment (and for every moment in the past 28 days), all I want is my friend back. I find that sad, honestly. Is it her that you want, or is it the idea of her that you want? I don’t want to live my life alone, even though I said in the beginning that I didn’t care if I died alone. I do care. But that’s just one moment in a finite series of moments that makes up my life. The best moments in my life were shared with someone else, making their best moments intwined with mine. But life keeps flowing forward and we’re pushed along for the ride if we want to or not. So we have to make the best of it, don’t we? Or else I’ll feel like I’m drowning with no one there to save me. I don’t want that.

What else don’t you want? I don’t want to be sad anymore.

I want to write every day and make a living from it. I want to design and build a house. I want to learn more languages and travel the world to meet new people. I want to learn an instrument. I want to be fit, healthy, and strong. I want to read a thousand more books and watch a thousand more movies. Most of all, I want to love with all my heart someone more beautiful than all the things I think I wanted, someone special to share my life with, to start a family with.

She may be gone, but I’m still here. I have to move on now.