I feel like this might be a hard entry for me to write, so I’m just going to go right out and write it. I’m not performing the way I’d like to be. By that I mean, I’m not living up to my made-up standards for living. Ever since the fire, I’ve lost a handle to my life. When I started this blog, I was not a happy person. I had a goal in mind, and that was to be happy, per se. To do that, I had to focus on my habits and routines, and the first thing I knew I needed to do was start working out again. Fitness is life’s easiest form of therapy. I had the adrenaline pumping, and I began to rewrite my novel a week after I started my blog and a week into working out again. And now? Now I’m on day 22, starting my fourth week doing this, and I stopped working out. I even stopped eating very well (I had Subway today… more on that later). What’s happening? Today gave me a clear indication of what might be happening, and how I could remedy it for the future.
It was easier for me to focus fully on myself when I had nothing going on for myself. I started this blog when I had no job, no fire, and no responsibilities. I had a short-term endgame, and I reached it in a few weeks. But then I had the fire, and like I said, it disrupted my life. During the fire, I found out I got my job, so one day I’m out fighting a fire, the very next day I’m starting my new job. I’ve had no time for myself. I just had a two day weekend — my first real weekend in years — and I went shopping the first day, practically buying a whole new wardrobe for and because of my job. Yesterday I slept in, read, watched TV, and relaxed. And today I went right back to work.
Work today was tough. I feel this pressure I’ve personally put on myself to learn the structure of the school, to learn about all the tech they have and become a master in them, and to become acquainted with all the teachers, their schedules, and the whole culture in place here. I want to learn all this quickly so I can perform well quickly, and that’s burning me out. After work, all I wanted to do was buy some beer and relax. But I didn’t. Instead, I bought a Subway Club from Subway. It was good, and it satisfied me, but a hint of guilt nagged at me while I ate it. I could’ve cooked for myself. Hell, I even defrosted some steak for me to cook. But I was tired. I didn’t want to do anything. So I gave in. I didn’t work out. I didn’t do some of the tasks on my todo list. I didn’t take advantage of the time given to me, and because of that, I feel like a failure.
Geeks like to talk about their workflows. How they do certain tasks quickly by using a certain setup of apps and techniques to do what they want without any friction. Frictionless workflows are the longest lasting because they’re easy to implement and maintain. Why would I want to write the same things over and over and over again when I could use a program like TextExpander and write the same things with fewer characters and save a lot more time? I’m in need of a frictionless workflow for my life. There’s things I want to do everyday without fail, and I want to ensure I do them regardless of what happens throughout my day. I still want to work out even though I had a tough day at work. How can I do that? I’m still writing every morning, but I want to spend more time on it and not feel so rushed. How can I do that? There’s so much stuff I want to learn and master, but I don’t seem to have enough time or energy to devote myself to learning what I want. How can I do that?
I need to design a way for me to live the life I want as frictionless as possible, where the things I need to get done are automatic, and every day I improve from the day before. How can I do that? I don’t know, and that’s the beauty of the journey, right? To figure that out.