Mario Villalobos

Not Looking Back

I miss my friend. I found myself daydreaming about her. I imagined her walking up to my front door and knocking on it. When I went to run some errands today, I found myself scanning all the cars in view in hopes that she may be there on the road with me. At the Walmart parking lot, I scanned to see if her car was maybe parked outside. Inside, I hoped to run into her. Same thing at Safeway. The parking lot. Inside. Nothing. She wasn’t there. I have to learn that I may never see her again. That I may never hear from her again. That’s the way life works sometimes. It sucks, but it is what it is.

Moving on is hard. One thing that helps are distractions. Focus our mind on something else. During my errands, I stopped by the Starbucks inside Safeway and bought a pumpkin spice frappuccino. I brought my laptop with me because I thought that maybe I’d slow down, stop, and maybe get some work done. I did. I didn’t work for long, but I was able to finally clear my OmniFocus Inbox, which was getting long and potentially unwieldy. I created a few new projects that I hope will help me in the future. At Walmart I bought a few frames for my pictures and my Holstee Manifesto poster. Tomorrow I’m even considering going back to Walmart and buying a lego set or two, something to keep me busy and provide a fun decor for my bland, minimalist studio apartment. We’ll see.

I can’t look back, though. Distractions are nice, but I have to live with my memories of not only her but of everything else I’ve lived and gone through. I haven’t craved a drink for three days, but I may crave one tomorrow. I’ve worked out for three days straight, but the excitement of starting again may wane tomorrow. Even this blog can potentially die tomorrow and sit abandoned on the internet forever. I have to take each new day in stride. Each day is a new possibility to work at becoming the man I want to be. I want to be a published author. I want to be healthy and fit and look good naked. I want to be happy, and I want to find a girl that can help me get there. None of this is easy, but none of this is impossible, either. I can do all this. Maybe not all at once, but if I do a little bit every day, if I continuously improve on myself and my habits, then maybe I’ll get there eventually.

Maybe. We’ll see.