Be Better

I went to WalMart today. My friend Sam works here, and I ran into him. A few days ago I wrote a Facebook status update where I bemoaned my loss of my best friend — the friend that cut me out — and Sam referenced this status update when we ran into each other. He told me I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I told him I shouldn’t drink anymore because then stuff like that post happen. That and ruining great friendships.

I’ve been told before that I’m too. I should “get a life”, someone once told me. So, recently, around the beginning of summer, I eased up on a few things. I began to allow more unhealthy foods into my diet since I’ve been cutting them out for so long. Simply, stuff not Paleo approved. I began eating a lot of fast food. With the increase in fast food came the increase in alcohol consumption. My best friend at the time — yes, her — saw me without my shirt on and told me I was too skinny. Lets put on a few pounds, I thought. So I did. And I didn’t stop for a while. In the past two months, I gained over 10 lbs. That’s unacceptable. I used to work out regularly, as well. I’ve completed both Insanity and the first volume of Insanity: the Asylum. I stopped that, too. Finally, I stopped packing my days with work. For a while there I was transcribing the Great Gatsby by hand. I stopped doing even that. And as a so-called writer, I didn’t write.

Today I worked out again. I did the Plyometric Cardio Circuit from Insanity. Guess what? I felt great. I felt so good that I’m going to keep working out for as long as I physically can. If I could point to one habit change that can improve my life the most, it’s the habit of working out. I love sweating — and with Insanity I sweat a lot — and the act of sweating releases endorphins, which makes me feel amazing. I did and still do feel amazing.

Being better can’t happen overnight. Being better is a slow process, a continuous process that requires dedication and hard work. I don’t know if my ego and perfectionism can ever move aside to let me feel like I’ve gotten there, but if I just focus on the journey, on the moment to moment happiness that living a truly honest and hard fought life brings, then maybe, one day, I’ll believe that I am at my best.

I’m just not there yet.