Successful?

Are you still there? The world hasn’t ended? I can drink and have fun and not fill every minute with something to do? Good.

What does a successful day mean to me? I don’t know if I’ve ever asked myself that question. Before, I probably would have said that I needed to do something productive for most of the hours I was awake. I might have even counted the hours I slept, which meant I would have tried to optimize my sleep as much as possible. All of which is to say that a successful day to me would have been one where I worked hard from the moment I opened my eyes and woke up to the moment I closed my eyes and slept. For a long time this was all true, but I don’t know if I feel the same way about that anymore. I know for a fact I don’t feel that way anymore.

I’m content with spending a few hours working on accomplishing my three big rocks for the day and spending the rest of the day either being productive or not, playing games or not, drinking or not. I’m going more by how I feel at the time and having those feeling determine the outcome of my day. That’s how I’ve been living my days for the past few weeks, and I don’t hate it, but I’m also not convinced I like it yet. There’s something missing, and I don’t know what that is, but I don’t care that much about finding it out yet. I’m still in vacation mode and taking a break from the past few months of work.

I’m having trouble staying awake right now because I’m tired. I wanted to write that because I wanted to let future me know how, no matter how unmotivated and uncaring these days may have seemed to me in my memories, I still found that something to push through and get this entry written. I need to remind myself that there’s something incredible in that. There’s nothing stopping me from ending this entry right now other than some force inside of me, and that force, whatever it is, will always be inside of me. I can always tap into it, no matter where I am or how I’m feeling. I need to remember that for those times I’m feeling down or frustrated or annoyed.

I’m still new to this blogging thing. I’m used to keeping a journal, where I write my private thoughts to a private audience, but with a blog, I’m writing to more than just myself. I’m writing for other people, too, and you know what? I kind of hate that. I definitely care about my audience when I’m writing a screenplay or a novel, but my journal? I don’t give a fuck about who reads this. If they’re not entertained, I don’t give a fuck. I have zero ads here, I don’t make any money, and traffic doesn’t matter to me. It’s very easy to not read my blog, and it’s easier to write when I know I’m writing just for myself. That’s what I call living a successful day.