Settling Down

I did the bare minimum today, and I’m not beating myself up about it. I slept in, stayed in, and lied in bed for most of the day. I went to the grocery store to buy some popcorn, but since I didn’t just want to be the guy that goes to the store to buy popcorn, I bought some steak, too. Tomorrow’s dinner is going to be amazing. I bought popcorn because I wanted to watch TV all day today, and I did. I started watching the 100 on Netflix, and it’s a fun show. Perfect popcorn watching entertainment. I purposefully didn’t want to think about dating or how I could be better or about anything other than relaxation. And I feel really good about that.

I get paid tomorrow, and all I’m thinking about is what I could buy. What I should be thinking about is stashing a lot of that check away to save up for my trip to California, which should be happening two weeks from today. That’s what I should be thinking about. Instead, I’m thinking about buying this camera bundle for $699 off of Amazon. This is the camera I mentioned a month ago. I probably won’t succumb to my I-gotta-have-it mentality, and instead try to be responsible. I guess. Besides, I think I finally finished setting up my wish list for when I go to Ikea to buy my much needed and desired furniture. That should crave any lingering shopping bugs.

The days sure do go by a lot faster when I sleep in. I’m so used to winding down my days at around 9 PM, but since I slept in an extra 3-4 hours this weekend than what I’m used to, it feels like I lost that time since I’m not really going to sleep 3-4 hours later. Maybe an hour later than normal, but that’s it. That tells me I’m not getting enough sleep during the weekdays, and that’s something I’ve known about since I started this blog. I’ve been neglecting my sleep because there’s a lot of stuff I want to do each day to ensure I get better in some way. The more I slack off, the more afraid I am of losing control of myself and falling back to my old self-destructive habits and routines. It’s been 98 days since my last drink, but today I really thought it wouldn’t hurt if I had one beer. I really thought that would be a good idea, and thankfully I didn’t succumb to it. But what if I did? What if I drank again?

The thought of turning my back on who I am and who I could be scares me because I know it’s 100% possible. I’m always going to be afraid of falling since I know how hard it is to get back up. If I’m being super honest with myself, before I started this blog, I was in some sort of free fall ever since I moved up here to Montana, and I’m just now course-correcting. I mean, I’m finally letting myself buy some fucking furniture for crissakes. It finally feels like I’m home, and it’s time for me to settle down.