Accountability

I could feel the cracks showing today. My goal for this week was to just start: start working out, start writing, and start getting my life back together. I’m not sure what that means; it’s one of those things where I’ll know it when I see it. For the most part, I’ve been doing okay. But nobody knows that. Nobody really knows what I do every day. I don’t really know what my friends or family do every day. We are all a collection of little moments built up over a period of time, and that’s something we can control. Except, the only person keeping me accountable to all that I do is me, and that’s a responsibility I must honor fully.

I didn’t want to work out today. A few months without exercising meant my body was not ready for the beatings I’ve been giving it this week. I woke up sore. It hurt to walk. It hurt to lie down. It hurt to move. I wanted to lie in bed and watch Netflix. I wanted to browse the web mindlessly and forget about all that’s bothering me. I wanted to procrastinate and go out somewhere, eat shitty food, and maybe — maybe — run into her. But I couldn’t do that anymore. Not when I need a job. Not when I need to lose a few more pounds. Not when all that I want and need is out there for the taking.

I’m writing all this down publicly because I need to know that there are eyes out there watching me. That I’m not alone in this. I need to know, 10-, 20-, 30- years from now, when I’m feeling low and sad, that I embarked on this journey toward a better me, that I didn’t know what was ahead or what waited before me, that I overcame whatever obstacles life threw in my way, and that I became the man I could always feel was there watching me my whole life but never thought I could become. I know I could fail. I know that so much. It feels like I’ve been here before. It feels like I’m Sisyphus, doomed to always carry that boulder up the mountain only to watch it roll down again. Except… this time I don’t feel alone. This time it feels like I have angels watching over me who believe in me and believe that I can achieve anything. I have a duty to them — but mostly to myself — to do what I know I can do. I just have to keep myself accountable to my actions, day in and day out, and make sure I don’t deviate from my journey.

Easier said than done.